Yep! knew it! called it! not good at this!! Haven't written since when? yeesh! oh well, no one is really listening any way right.
I'm depressed...depressed? upset. angry? all of the above. surprised
Its been awhile since I've "been with anyone" and I had a few fun surprises earlier this week. Problem with both... they still have feelings for other people. I wasn't aware of course until after we ... well, you know. Why is that? ok, i know why. Selfishness. get what you want than apologize later;/ what I didn't realize is...I think i'm actually ready for a relationship, at least with one of them (wow i sound like a floozy). All this time I could handle being in a "fun/good time relationship" , but truly, I wasn't. All the step back laughs of "having a good time" seem pointless to me now. I want something long lasting.
My heart seems to be going through a vice of "shot gun memories" ecstasy to sorrow. Today I feel like I was broken up with. My day of "work out, work on EP stats, clean room" has become "lay in bed, watch tv, eat, nap, call him" and when I called i froze up.
I used to be the one on top, controlling our friendship, and now that we've been intimate, all i can think about is the safety i felt when I was laying in his arms. how he kissed my neck and asked if I was ok. how all night he wouldn't let me go. I want that, but.... its not in my cards. I seem to find the boys attracted to me, ready to pursue me for what they want. a night of comfort. But in that night of comfort, they miss the comfort of another's arms. And I am left to shut off my heart, my emotions, and move on
Its bothering me to say this. It hurts to admit, but when i met this person years ago, I had feelings. I put them aside for someone else. As the years of our friendship progressed and I met his girlfriends, I would get jealous. was it because I wanted to be with him? was it because he wasn't pursuing me anymore, and all the things that bother me about him, are they really worth all this wondering if our paths will cross again. Will this work out? Could it? Does he even wonder, or did I get what I asked for years ago. Distance, unemotional intamcy.
do i miss him? or do I miss the idea. I think a bit of both. Gotta get up and out of these thoughts. too much to do. Too much to go forward with. Strange to have these feelings after so long being dead to them. how did I let my heart get here. when did that happen?! So frustrating!!!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I'm bored...
I just had a writing session with a friend who was complaining about why he wasn't "there" His there was a place of success, recognition, fame, as well as being able to not work in a store. So while he was complaining , i'm still waiting with paper and pen, ready to write what I hoped would be a summer sensation. but nothing came of our writing session unfortunately. I really shouldn't say nothing, because something did come of it. My realization. I'm just bored.
the only reason why I do what I do, is because I don't want to be bored. I like to write, but i like to paint, I like to hang with friends, shop, and yeah, sometimes I like to work at my work place and deal with crazy customers. But for the most part... i'm bored. and annoyed.
As I empathized with my friend about not being "there" he began to "sympathize" for me as I told him my many woes of who I knew and how I knew them, and what i've done and why I haven't yet done anything "big" it got depressing...and now i'm bored.
I don't know how to keep up with something on the daily...maybe meds would help but honestly, I just need to find a new form of motivation. I need to decide whether or not I stay here another year, or go back to CA. I have to make some big decisions...i'm nervous..but for now, I'm bored.
the only reason why I do what I do, is because I don't want to be bored. I like to write, but i like to paint, I like to hang with friends, shop, and yeah, sometimes I like to work at my work place and deal with crazy customers. But for the most part... i'm bored. and annoyed.
As I empathized with my friend about not being "there" he began to "sympathize" for me as I told him my many woes of who I knew and how I knew them, and what i've done and why I haven't yet done anything "big" it got depressing...and now i'm bored.
I don't know how to keep up with something on the daily...maybe meds would help but honestly, I just need to find a new form of motivation. I need to decide whether or not I stay here another year, or go back to CA. I have to make some big decisions...i'm nervous..but for now, I'm bored.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Hunger Games...I've been caught
First there was Harry Potter, than Twilight, and now, Hunger Games. I didn't jump on the bandwagon of the other two, but somehow I got caught in the trap. I've never been much of a reader, however recently, with as much traveling I've been doing, I've enjoyed a good book. I don't have to wait till I'm in flight, I don't have to worry about the battery dieing, and I'm never asked to stop reading even while landing. I guess you could say, in some ways, its given me the control that technologies have somehow taken away. This book, this story, this adventure, well....there was no putting it down. Had it been on a kindle, I may have been arrested for resisting to "power down"
I had decided to purchase the book on a unsuspected trip to Walmart. The wait for my busted tire was expected to take an hour, so rather than wait in a small room, I hopped the fence to the closest form of entertainment I could find; Walmart. I walked the aisles and began piling my cart with unnecessary items. Socks, a food processor, two bottles of shampoo, and at the checkout stand, Hunger Games. There, it looked at me with its black cover and delicate gold bird. Even the cover looked intriguing, and for the low price of $6.50, I grabbed it.
I walked back to my car, paid for my busted tire, and had to proceed with my day. There would be no cracking the pages tonight. It laid on my floor near my backpack, piled with the other items I had put aside in packing for my trip to Austin. As I laid in bed, it kept staring at me. It felt like Jumanji, thrilling, but scary. What was in this book that was driving people mad!! All my associates at work were raving about it. They would talk about the characters, in which I originally suspected were real people, until I was told that in fact they were just talking about Hunger Games. I was hearing of book clubs, and fan pages, websites, and by now I'm sure Halloween Costumes. It was time to find out what was up.
All packed and ready to go I headed to the airport. After I passed security, I immediately whipped it out of my satchel, and began reading. At first I was confused. I was trapped in the past, but in the present, and in the future..this was a sci-fi ish book..oh no.. I never do well with these. As I continued to read on I began to attach myself to the characters, their emotions, their families, their historys. My mind as it does was trying to figure it out. What was this in comparison to? Probably something political (i'm aweful at politics) maybe a time in the past (history? i can remember sooome facts) or maybe this was just something fantastical, and I should just enjoy it.
I'll be honest..i'm only half way through . I plan to read the rest tonight and tomorrow and watch the film on Monday. At this point, I've come to a few interesting observations. My main observation was this. In the increase of Reality shows, we have seen a dieing, a sacrifice of true art. I'm not saying war is an art, but we have certain individuals, being chosen (whether we like it or not) to be made into something, they are not ready for (ie Jersey Shore, American Idol, Housewives of...) Now of course this seems far fetched. The examples I listed are people who subjected themselves to a show and then we made them something.. but the key is ...we the people made them something. We made their importance..imagine if we somehow couldn't / didn't. Would actors, get to be actors? Would that art grow? .... I still have some thinking to do on this idea.
The other observation, although maybe obvious, I thought it was fascinating, how quickly and how popular something like a book can become based on character relationship. Not just any character relationship, life or death relationship. We as the reader are interested and curious on who is going to die, who is going to live. Are there any "bad guys" in this book? Are we in fact the "bad guy" by passing biased judgement on these characters. We are hooked to find out who dies! We secretly want Gale and Catniss to be lovers, and we want Catniss to win, and we don't want to think Primrose will ever die, and we want Peeta to be bad so she jabs him, and we want everyone to be aweful and Catniss and Gale to end up together..and i pretty much said that twice cuz thats what I'm thinking...however.. i hear there's a twist.... I suppose I"ll continue to be conflicted as well as enjoy the ride..
Here's to the 2nd half.... of the Hunger Games
*Ps...i'm already upset that her sparkly dress is not in the movie..or maybe it is but the movie is showing her with a one sleeve red dress that looks like something from the 80/90's...eww....I think i'll be better off writing about the costume design and interpretation...now enjoy posting strange things about things I don't understand:)
I had decided to purchase the book on a unsuspected trip to Walmart. The wait for my busted tire was expected to take an hour, so rather than wait in a small room, I hopped the fence to the closest form of entertainment I could find; Walmart. I walked the aisles and began piling my cart with unnecessary items. Socks, a food processor, two bottles of shampoo, and at the checkout stand, Hunger Games. There, it looked at me with its black cover and delicate gold bird. Even the cover looked intriguing, and for the low price of $6.50, I grabbed it.
I walked back to my car, paid for my busted tire, and had to proceed with my day. There would be no cracking the pages tonight. It laid on my floor near my backpack, piled with the other items I had put aside in packing for my trip to Austin. As I laid in bed, it kept staring at me. It felt like Jumanji, thrilling, but scary. What was in this book that was driving people mad!! All my associates at work were raving about it. They would talk about the characters, in which I originally suspected were real people, until I was told that in fact they were just talking about Hunger Games. I was hearing of book clubs, and fan pages, websites, and by now I'm sure Halloween Costumes. It was time to find out what was up.
All packed and ready to go I headed to the airport. After I passed security, I immediately whipped it out of my satchel, and began reading. At first I was confused. I was trapped in the past, but in the present, and in the future..this was a sci-fi ish book..oh no.. I never do well with these. As I continued to read on I began to attach myself to the characters, their emotions, their families, their historys. My mind as it does was trying to figure it out. What was this in comparison to? Probably something political (i'm aweful at politics) maybe a time in the past (history? i can remember sooome facts) or maybe this was just something fantastical, and I should just enjoy it.
I'll be honest..i'm only half way through . I plan to read the rest tonight and tomorrow and watch the film on Monday. At this point, I've come to a few interesting observations. My main observation was this. In the increase of Reality shows, we have seen a dieing, a sacrifice of true art. I'm not saying war is an art, but we have certain individuals, being chosen (whether we like it or not) to be made into something, they are not ready for (ie Jersey Shore, American Idol, Housewives of...) Now of course this seems far fetched. The examples I listed are people who subjected themselves to a show and then we made them something.. but the key is ...we the people made them something. We made their importance..imagine if we somehow couldn't / didn't. Would actors, get to be actors? Would that art grow? .... I still have some thinking to do on this idea.
The other observation, although maybe obvious, I thought it was fascinating, how quickly and how popular something like a book can become based on character relationship. Not just any character relationship, life or death relationship. We as the reader are interested and curious on who is going to die, who is going to live. Are there any "bad guys" in this book? Are we in fact the "bad guy" by passing biased judgement on these characters. We are hooked to find out who dies! We secretly want Gale and Catniss to be lovers, and we want Catniss to win, and we don't want to think Primrose will ever die, and we want Peeta to be bad so she jabs him, and we want everyone to be aweful and Catniss and Gale to end up together..and i pretty much said that twice cuz thats what I'm thinking...however.. i hear there's a twist.... I suppose I"ll continue to be conflicted as well as enjoy the ride..
Here's to the 2nd half.... of the Hunger Games
*Ps...i'm already upset that her sparkly dress is not in the movie..or maybe it is but the movie is showing her with a one sleeve red dress that looks like something from the 80/90's...eww....I think i'll be better off writing about the costume design and interpretation...now enjoy posting strange things about things I don't understand:)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Yep...i failed..
so as optimistic as I was in the beginning of the year, blame the cold, blame the fact I've been traveling for the past month..but I've failed to keep this up... I'm not going to stop though. I am going to keep writing, even if it isn't an every day thing. I'm still going to try.. for now, an apology. to myself, for complaining so much to not doing the things I need to do. Ie taxes, and paying bills, and scared to even get on the computer, for fear I'm going to realize I forgot to pay something...yeesh! growing up.
anyhow...talk to you soon...about the HUnger Games
anyhow...talk to you soon...about the HUnger Games
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Over it...
Yes, as always, the year progresses, and I become less and less motivated. My mind gets tired, I get cranky, and all I want to do, is eat and watch tv. I ignore my bills and barely pay them on time, I have the urge to frivolously spend money that I don't have, which then leads me to a sad depression of "whoa is me, how did I get there" and I know how I got there... here. I just stopped being motivated!
I thought by running this half marathon, I'd reset my mind. I thought maybe the high of commitment would help me move forward, onward! But alas. I sit here typing, knowing that every time I thought about writing a post, the " i don't wanna's" would be pushing against my skull, "forcing" me to ..not do anything at all.
The last few days I've had a few great ideas about raising money for the marathon, ie the boat I am about to set sail on (The Rockboat) I'm sure people would donate $1. And if they did, that would be over $1000 for the Children's research Hospital! How bad ass would that be!! but I've been having a case of the "monkus" and haven't done anything about it.. To be honest after writing this though, it is exactly what I'm going to do... write an email asking if I can solicit ;) muhahah!
Anyhow...back to me not doing anything. So, as of now. Im just in a funk. I spent too much money last night, however had a blast, and I keep waking up going "why...I didn't need that last beer or that last cocktail. that was $20" I just like to live in the moment!! In living in the moment I"m losing my moneys! spend spend spend! Sad Sad Sad... binge binge binge!
So how do I solve this... do what I least likely wanna do..set a budget. I did it for a week and it worked. I saved so much money! But..I did feel like I lost some friends. Its a difficult gamble, but I'm willing to sacrifice this go around if it means paying off my debts and going forward with things that are going to better my life rather than drag it down....
I leave you with a clip from Portlandia:) the most expensive ticket I've purchased just based off of nostalgia of this phrase "we can pickle that"
I thought by running this half marathon, I'd reset my mind. I thought maybe the high of commitment would help me move forward, onward! But alas. I sit here typing, knowing that every time I thought about writing a post, the " i don't wanna's" would be pushing against my skull, "forcing" me to ..not do anything at all.
The last few days I've had a few great ideas about raising money for the marathon, ie the boat I am about to set sail on (The Rockboat) I'm sure people would donate $1. And if they did, that would be over $1000 for the Children's research Hospital! How bad ass would that be!! but I've been having a case of the "monkus" and haven't done anything about it.. To be honest after writing this though, it is exactly what I'm going to do... write an email asking if I can solicit ;) muhahah!
Anyhow...back to me not doing anything. So, as of now. Im just in a funk. I spent too much money last night, however had a blast, and I keep waking up going "why...I didn't need that last beer or that last cocktail. that was $20" I just like to live in the moment!! In living in the moment I"m losing my moneys! spend spend spend! Sad Sad Sad... binge binge binge!
So how do I solve this... do what I least likely wanna do..set a budget. I did it for a week and it worked. I saved so much money! But..I did feel like I lost some friends. Its a difficult gamble, but I'm willing to sacrifice this go around if it means paying off my debts and going forward with things that are going to better my life rather than drag it down....
I leave you with a clip from Portlandia:) the most expensive ticket I've purchased just based off of nostalgia of this phrase "we can pickle that"
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Surprise surprise
I was woken up at 7am by a text. "gong" I thought to myself, who would be texting me this early in the morning?! I slowly rolled over and grabbed my phone. Grabbing my phone took too much energy out of me, so I laid it on my chest. "bzzzz..." the reminder on my phone vibrated against my vocal chords.
I opened my eyes a crack, and then like Japanime I was awake. It was a text from Mr. Materialistic/ Mr. Fools Gold. I was surprised. I was even more surprised by his text!! "come to la. write with my best friends. they want you so bad for session work" My heart leaped, its still leaping. so...he was talking about me:) hehehe. oh us girls are so silly. He went on about how he wanted me to make moves, so i can make moneys, and I responded yes, so we can travel the world, and then he said he loved me, and said i loved him too..giddy giddy giddy xoxo hearts stars and...STOP! hold up...whats happening here.
I was flattered. I am flattered, but all this flattery leaves me all hot and bothered. I'm finally hanging out with a guy who communicates the best out of anyone, he cooks, he's clean, he's motivated, and I think kind of likes me..pretty sure he does, and then 'KABOOM' well...hellooooo.
Its interesting, they say when you are not looking is when things come your way. Its always true. But I believe that's because you find it in the growing process of becoming stronger, being comfortable in your own skin. Than once you are comfortable and things begin to move you have to become vulnerable yet again, and allow people to assist you and continue to build you up. One big flipping roller coaster. And now I'm on a roller coaster that is starting to have detours.
As much as I like Mr. Materialistic, Im really interested to see where Mississippi Mushu will lead. In all honesty I'm thinking Mushu is going to end up being a dear friend. Mr. Materialistic (remember..he's really not.just picky) He is kind of tugging at my heart strings a little more. In a strange way I'm starting to understand the choice The Bachelor has to make..but he makes some pretty dumb ones.
all in all, it was a great surprise and definitely motivated my day. I'm flattered. I've never experienced this before and its honestly kind of nice:) Having 2 guys care for you, be cautious, and curious about what you're thinking...hmm..if they only knew what I'm thinking.. than they'd be in for the surprise:)
I opened my eyes a crack, and then like Japanime I was awake. It was a text from Mr. Materialistic/ Mr. Fools Gold. I was surprised. I was even more surprised by his text!! "come to la. write with my best friends. they want you so bad for session work" My heart leaped, its still leaping. so...he was talking about me:) hehehe. oh us girls are so silly. He went on about how he wanted me to make moves, so i can make moneys, and I responded yes, so we can travel the world, and then he said he loved me, and said i loved him too..giddy giddy giddy xoxo hearts stars and...STOP! hold up...whats happening here.
I was flattered. I am flattered, but all this flattery leaves me all hot and bothered. I'm finally hanging out with a guy who communicates the best out of anyone, he cooks, he's clean, he's motivated, and I think kind of likes me..pretty sure he does, and then 'KABOOM' well...hellooooo.
Its interesting, they say when you are not looking is when things come your way. Its always true. But I believe that's because you find it in the growing process of becoming stronger, being comfortable in your own skin. Than once you are comfortable and things begin to move you have to become vulnerable yet again, and allow people to assist you and continue to build you up. One big flipping roller coaster. And now I'm on a roller coaster that is starting to have detours.
As much as I like Mr. Materialistic, Im really interested to see where Mississippi Mushu will lead. In all honesty I'm thinking Mushu is going to end up being a dear friend. Mr. Materialistic (remember..he's really not.just picky) He is kind of tugging at my heart strings a little more. In a strange way I'm starting to understand the choice The Bachelor has to make..but he makes some pretty dumb ones.
all in all, it was a great surprise and definitely motivated my day. I'm flattered. I've never experienced this before and its honestly kind of nice:) Having 2 guys care for you, be cautious, and curious about what you're thinking...hmm..if they only knew what I'm thinking.. than they'd be in for the surprise:)
Monday, February 20, 2012
Look at you....
So an interesting turn of events has happened the last 48 hours. Remember that whole, "man fast" thing..well I lasted 4 months.
I am a fairly social person. I love people. I love music. And this recipe has somehow allowed me to be able to become friends with very influential people mostly in the entertainment business. I was invited to an elite club for a secret music show. By elite, I mean people with an extraordinary amount of money, as well as those, similar to myself, are not "Super Fans" but can basically keep themselves composed in said Elite atmospheres.
Upon arrival, I socialized with many friends who I hadn't seen in awhile because of them being on tour, or me being out of town. I promised myself to be in bed by 12/1230, and no drinks!! And do we think that happened, of course not. When you're gabbing with old friends getting the scoop on whats new, of course some how everyone grabs a drink and enjoys the oral fixation of a tiny straw or bottle neck in their mouth.
I was floating around the club, when a friend of mine came to me at the bar. " Do you know the twins? They have a table around the corner with bottle service so come over when you have a second" Bottle Service? oh no.... my no drink, 2 drink minimum, just became "who cares! lets party it up!"
I finished my conversation at the bar, but not before taking a whiskey shot, and began my venture to the other side of the room. I continued to stop and say hello to friends and meet new colleagues, and as I finally came to the table where my "posse" was enjoying "bottle service" I saw neither twins nor bottle service. A true sigh of relief came over me. And then I met Mr. Paisley as we'll call him...and behind him, the twins.
I cornered my gal pals, and the band began to play. The were actually really good. A mix of Shiny Toy Guns, with their own LA esque flavor. We were dancing up a storm, and Mr. Paisley was holding a Voss Glass Water bottle, getting "groovy" He seemed like a sweet guy, so in between songs, I introduced myself. As we were meeting this short blonde haired guy with an old 20's style mustache, wiggled and squirmed a dance, that was almost like watching some type of Zen, Tae bo, dance with a twist of rave pop. It was hilarious.
I looked next to Mr. Mustache, and was shocked to see someone in what I would call West Coast ware. Graphic tee with a button down on top, shaved head, and sweet blue eyes with little crows feet at the corner from being out in the sun too much...hopefully from surfing. It was like looking into the eyes of an old friend, and I had to ask him, "you visiting from CA?"
"Just moved here 5 days ago actually. Originally from Mississippi"
"you in the music business than I assume?"
"yeah, my brother and I do a lot of different things actually. We write for large broadcast companies, NBC, MTV, etc. We also flip houses, & have a beer we're about to start marketing. Girl, look at you!"
The repetitive "look at you" became both of the twins phrase. And as they continued to talk, I found out they could do just about anything. Cook, clean, fix, invent, and In my head I kept thinking, what are they the twin MacGyvers?
"Anything you want girl, when the waitress comes by, you order anything you want"
I looked over at my girlfriends...bottoms up chicadees!
We continued drinking, and it wasn't till my girlfriends left and most people had left the bar that I recognized the time. 1:45 am. I looked over at "Mississippi Mushu" (reason being Mushu was a dragon, and I have coined the term ' I slayed a dragon '... I know.. clever) Mr. Mustache, and Mr. Paisley had left 'MM' and so, I had to take him home.
Upon arrival to his house, were some other friends and it wasn't til I arrived at his house, I realized how much I really did have to drink. The night was winding down, and I let him know, I really did need to sleep. He understood and gave me some PJ's and it was off to bed.
..ummm....yeah we didn't just go to bed. Cut to after, it was great. It was really great, but I kept thinking..oh no, i've opened the door to being used again, and omg...I just met this person. It was my first one night stand with someone I had just met. what was I thinking!!! I left the next morning, getting those darn Shotgun Memories, twitching when I'd remember something.
The next night he met me at a bar, and we went home together, and nothing happened. I had to let him know, that I wasn't going to be a Fuck Buddy. I needed to recognize, as well as did he, that I was someone to be respected I couldn't just sleep with anyone. I'm trying to regain the "sanctity" Of sex, but its not easy.
I have a feeling these Twins are going to be a consistent topic. Luck for me they seem to be great legit guys. I guess we'll find out.
I am a fairly social person. I love people. I love music. And this recipe has somehow allowed me to be able to become friends with very influential people mostly in the entertainment business. I was invited to an elite club for a secret music show. By elite, I mean people with an extraordinary amount of money, as well as those, similar to myself, are not "Super Fans" but can basically keep themselves composed in said Elite atmospheres.
Upon arrival, I socialized with many friends who I hadn't seen in awhile because of them being on tour, or me being out of town. I promised myself to be in bed by 12/1230, and no drinks!! And do we think that happened, of course not. When you're gabbing with old friends getting the scoop on whats new, of course some how everyone grabs a drink and enjoys the oral fixation of a tiny straw or bottle neck in their mouth.
I was floating around the club, when a friend of mine came to me at the bar. " Do you know the twins? They have a table around the corner with bottle service so come over when you have a second" Bottle Service? oh no.... my no drink, 2 drink minimum, just became "who cares! lets party it up!"
I finished my conversation at the bar, but not before taking a whiskey shot, and began my venture to the other side of the room. I continued to stop and say hello to friends and meet new colleagues, and as I finally came to the table where my "posse" was enjoying "bottle service" I saw neither twins nor bottle service. A true sigh of relief came over me. And then I met Mr. Paisley as we'll call him...and behind him, the twins.
I cornered my gal pals, and the band began to play. The were actually really good. A mix of Shiny Toy Guns, with their own LA esque flavor. We were dancing up a storm, and Mr. Paisley was holding a Voss Glass Water bottle, getting "groovy" He seemed like a sweet guy, so in between songs, I introduced myself. As we were meeting this short blonde haired guy with an old 20's style mustache, wiggled and squirmed a dance, that was almost like watching some type of Zen, Tae bo, dance with a twist of rave pop. It was hilarious.
I looked next to Mr. Mustache, and was shocked to see someone in what I would call West Coast ware. Graphic tee with a button down on top, shaved head, and sweet blue eyes with little crows feet at the corner from being out in the sun too much...hopefully from surfing. It was like looking into the eyes of an old friend, and I had to ask him, "you visiting from CA?"
"Just moved here 5 days ago actually. Originally from Mississippi"
"you in the music business than I assume?"
"yeah, my brother and I do a lot of different things actually. We write for large broadcast companies, NBC, MTV, etc. We also flip houses, & have a beer we're about to start marketing. Girl, look at you!"
The repetitive "look at you" became both of the twins phrase. And as they continued to talk, I found out they could do just about anything. Cook, clean, fix, invent, and In my head I kept thinking, what are they the twin MacGyvers?
"Anything you want girl, when the waitress comes by, you order anything you want"
I looked over at my girlfriends...bottoms up chicadees!
We continued drinking, and it wasn't till my girlfriends left and most people had left the bar that I recognized the time. 1:45 am. I looked over at "Mississippi Mushu" (reason being Mushu was a dragon, and I have coined the term ' I slayed a dragon '... I know.. clever) Mr. Mustache, and Mr. Paisley had left 'MM' and so, I had to take him home.
Upon arrival to his house, were some other friends and it wasn't til I arrived at his house, I realized how much I really did have to drink. The night was winding down, and I let him know, I really did need to sleep. He understood and gave me some PJ's and it was off to bed.
..ummm....yeah we didn't just go to bed. Cut to after, it was great. It was really great, but I kept thinking..oh no, i've opened the door to being used again, and omg...I just met this person. It was my first one night stand with someone I had just met. what was I thinking!!! I left the next morning, getting those darn Shotgun Memories, twitching when I'd remember something.
The next night he met me at a bar, and we went home together, and nothing happened. I had to let him know, that I wasn't going to be a Fuck Buddy. I needed to recognize, as well as did he, that I was someone to be respected I couldn't just sleep with anyone. I'm trying to regain the "sanctity" Of sex, but its not easy.
I have a feeling these Twins are going to be a consistent topic. Luck for me they seem to be great legit guys. I guess we'll find out.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentines Day!
Oops!! went 3 days without posting. bad me...
So good ol' Valentine's day:) I was actually baptized on Valentines Day when I was 13. I wouldn't say it was my true baptism, it was more an action, but all in all it was a special occasion. I wore a robe and had to practice how I was going to dunk. My pastor Jerry Root, baptized me. He was/ is an amazing pastor, that later, became a mentor for me in College..strange how life works in that tangled way.
Speaking of tangled ways, I suppose I"ll talk about last nights events. Let me preface this by saying, I am NOT a Valentine's hater. I Love Valentines day. I've never had an absolute rotten one, and there really is no need for pouting or feeling sorry for ones self. Its a day to reflect on Loving others, and being loved. Ah! I love it. It also helps I'm super into the shape of hearts;) just ...love em:)
I digress:) hahha! but seriously... I got a text from a dear man friend asking if I had plans Tuesday. I didn't even recognize what Tuesday was, so I replied "working till 7, than nothing. What we doing?!" He replied back "dinner on me? and you can bring a date if you like:) " this is when it dawned on me it was Valentine's. I couldn't believe it! The place we were going, Holland House, uber delicious!! I let him know I was open to any male suggestions...oh the risk
In my mind I hoped that he would invite someone who I would be at least interested to converse with, but when I got to the dinner with my pink suede heels, I found a beautiful cast of couples, that I absolutely adore, as well as a good gal and male pal, but no suggestions. As overjoyed as I was to see my beautiful friends, I couldn't help but be a little bummed that there was no other person there. But my friend who was paying for all of us, is also a musician. With being a musician, comes musician friends, and I will NOT date a musician, so cest la vie, we carried on.
I woke up this morning still reminiscing the evening and recognizing how I had met all the people at the table. My Man friend, I had met at the young age of 18 at a Christian Concert. His band was pretty big amongst the Christian Community, and my friend was dating him. I never thought I'd see him again, but after all these years, we kept running into each other. With him moving to Nashville, he met his girlfriend who's best friend I met separately through a PR company, of whom I met because I decided to meet with a couple I had met in an icecream shop I used to work at. The other couple, I had met the male figure first at a bar. We rendezvoused at my Man Musician Friends house, and I really lost interest, but we did share a small pecked kiss...but that was it. His current girlfriend is a doll and love them together.
I still can't stop thinking about the food without salivating! So Yummy! The company was perfect, and to top it all off, it was my Man friends, girlfrends bday. I couldn't have asked for a more. And there we all sat. Enjoying an evening with laughter, stories, and food. I just wonder what the next year will bring and how much more love I will gain. Keep me tangled in this wild web of love!!
So good ol' Valentine's day:) I was actually baptized on Valentines Day when I was 13. I wouldn't say it was my true baptism, it was more an action, but all in all it was a special occasion. I wore a robe and had to practice how I was going to dunk. My pastor Jerry Root, baptized me. He was/ is an amazing pastor, that later, became a mentor for me in College..strange how life works in that tangled way.
Speaking of tangled ways, I suppose I"ll talk about last nights events. Let me preface this by saying, I am NOT a Valentine's hater. I Love Valentines day. I've never had an absolute rotten one, and there really is no need for pouting or feeling sorry for ones self. Its a day to reflect on Loving others, and being loved. Ah! I love it. It also helps I'm super into the shape of hearts;) just ...love em:)
I digress:) hahha! but seriously... I got a text from a dear man friend asking if I had plans Tuesday. I didn't even recognize what Tuesday was, so I replied "working till 7, than nothing. What we doing?!" He replied back "dinner on me? and you can bring a date if you like:) " this is when it dawned on me it was Valentine's. I couldn't believe it! The place we were going, Holland House, uber delicious!! I let him know I was open to any male suggestions...oh the risk
In my mind I hoped that he would invite someone who I would be at least interested to converse with, but when I got to the dinner with my pink suede heels, I found a beautiful cast of couples, that I absolutely adore, as well as a good gal and male pal, but no suggestions. As overjoyed as I was to see my beautiful friends, I couldn't help but be a little bummed that there was no other person there. But my friend who was paying for all of us, is also a musician. With being a musician, comes musician friends, and I will NOT date a musician, so cest la vie, we carried on.
I woke up this morning still reminiscing the evening and recognizing how I had met all the people at the table. My Man friend, I had met at the young age of 18 at a Christian Concert. His band was pretty big amongst the Christian Community, and my friend was dating him. I never thought I'd see him again, but after all these years, we kept running into each other. With him moving to Nashville, he met his girlfriend who's best friend I met separately through a PR company, of whom I met because I decided to meet with a couple I had met in an icecream shop I used to work at. The other couple, I had met the male figure first at a bar. We rendezvoused at my Man Musician Friends house, and I really lost interest, but we did share a small pecked kiss...but that was it. His current girlfriend is a doll and love them together.
I still can't stop thinking about the food without salivating! So Yummy! The company was perfect, and to top it all off, it was my Man friends, girlfrends bday. I couldn't have asked for a more. And there we all sat. Enjoying an evening with laughter, stories, and food. I just wonder what the next year will bring and how much more love I will gain. Keep me tangled in this wild web of love!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Maybe I was wrong
So, I realize, I've been complaining about my friends being sketchy and feeling left out, but maybe I've been wrong. Maybe they truly just forgot to text me, or are just too busy to hang out. I guess I've always aspired to be a person who everyone loves. I've always wanted to be that person, that no matter what, you trusted, and always wanted around, but we're all human, and we all need a break from certain people.
I've heard at times that I was "kind of intense" but only from people who didn't really know me. My intensity is kind of a security blanket, as well as a defense mechanism. I compare my awkward intenseness to a peacock or, I suppose like 2 male species fighting for the attention of a female..except i'm kind of fighting for the attention of the room/ that particular person. I don't like being around timid personalities. I have a big personality, and I like to be around people who want to do great things, however small they may be in one persons eyes, if they are motivated and moving forward, I want to be with that person. My thing is, if you can't handle this force of intense i'm projecting, than I don't have time for you..sorry.
I suppose at times this idea of weeding out friends, is not full proof, but so far has been alright. There have been of course a few times it has smacked me in the face, but for the most part, my intuition wins. Recently with all these friends disappearing, I never really took a step back and recognized that sometimes, people may only be able to handle me in small doses. I definitely have friends I can only handle for 24 hrs...or less, so I need to respect that the same goes for other people.
This last weekend all the people I wasn't hanging out with, came back around. I heard their stories of what was going on and realized that Twitter was covering up what was going on behind closed doors very well. Oh technology. May be true that just because I didn't have money for a while I didn't receive a phone call to hang, but that was also my doing. There also was some drama that I did hear about, and did confirm that that was the reason I wasn't being called, but truthfully..best to stay out of it anyway.
I still think that money and my friends does play a big part, and thats really..unfortunate. It was like watching myself in a "Housewives of _____" I have friends who I now notice love me no matter what. I have others who I can only enjoy hanging out with because they all have the common bond of money. All in all, I may have been wrong in thinking my friends you were talking behind my back and maliciously not calling, but I really can't help but wonder.
In other news, today marked a very sad event. Whitney Houston passed away. I really can't believe it. It is so unfortunate and heart breaking. The Grammys were also on tonight, and it was quite the spectacle. I wasn't able to watch the whole thing, but I have it recorded and I'm looking forward to all the tributes. Whitney..you were an inspiration for so many. I'm so sorry the anguish, heartbreak, and troubles you had to suffer. As we don't know what the cause of death was currently, we all hope and pray your daughter can rise above all this, and that you may finally...Rest In Peace
This is how I remember Whitney...so inspiring
I've heard at times that I was "kind of intense" but only from people who didn't really know me. My intensity is kind of a security blanket, as well as a defense mechanism. I compare my awkward intenseness to a peacock or, I suppose like 2 male species fighting for the attention of a female..except i'm kind of fighting for the attention of the room/ that particular person. I don't like being around timid personalities. I have a big personality, and I like to be around people who want to do great things, however small they may be in one persons eyes, if they are motivated and moving forward, I want to be with that person. My thing is, if you can't handle this force of intense i'm projecting, than I don't have time for you..sorry.
I suppose at times this idea of weeding out friends, is not full proof, but so far has been alright. There have been of course a few times it has smacked me in the face, but for the most part, my intuition wins. Recently with all these friends disappearing, I never really took a step back and recognized that sometimes, people may only be able to handle me in small doses. I definitely have friends I can only handle for 24 hrs...or less, so I need to respect that the same goes for other people.
This last weekend all the people I wasn't hanging out with, came back around. I heard their stories of what was going on and realized that Twitter was covering up what was going on behind closed doors very well. Oh technology. May be true that just because I didn't have money for a while I didn't receive a phone call to hang, but that was also my doing. There also was some drama that I did hear about, and did confirm that that was the reason I wasn't being called, but truthfully..best to stay out of it anyway.
I still think that money and my friends does play a big part, and thats really..unfortunate. It was like watching myself in a "Housewives of _____" I have friends who I now notice love me no matter what. I have others who I can only enjoy hanging out with because they all have the common bond of money. All in all, I may have been wrong in thinking my friends you were talking behind my back and maliciously not calling, but I really can't help but wonder.
In other news, today marked a very sad event. Whitney Houston passed away. I really can't believe it. It is so unfortunate and heart breaking. The Grammys were also on tonight, and it was quite the spectacle. I wasn't able to watch the whole thing, but I have it recorded and I'm looking forward to all the tributes. Whitney..you were an inspiration for so many. I'm so sorry the anguish, heartbreak, and troubles you had to suffer. As we don't know what the cause of death was currently, we all hope and pray your daughter can rise above all this, and that you may finally...Rest In Peace
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Lose 1, Gain 50 .... love and money
I'm a pretty good communicator. At least I think I am. If you call me and I don't want to talk to you, I will not pick up. If I pick up and I don't want to go to something you're asking me to go to, I'll tell you I don't want to go. If you ask me if you like your haircut, and I don't...but..i can tell you're in love with it, I'm not going to crush your spirits, but I'll probably make a suggestion as to how it could look better. All to say, I feel i'm pretty good at communicating.
So in this day and age, we not only have to worry about the inflections in our voice, our nonverbal communication, or our verbal phrasing, but we also have to consider how we type, text, and emoticon it. If you ever receive any type of email or text from me, it will look something like this:
!!!!!! :/ :) :( ,:D ^_^ ???? .....
I pretty much text how I speak, because some where along the lines, someone ends up reading into something that they shouldn't. Another thing I do, is if someone I don't care to speak for texts me..i won't text them back. This is pretty general, but I usually won't text back because I never want to speak to the person again, I feel that no response should say it all. Although this is how I approach it.. without confrontation, I assume others do the same...but for the reasons they stop communicating..thats what i don't understand.
When the "last boy" did not text me back, I assumed he didn't want to hang out with me, but why not? Everything was fine, and I knew he wasn't interested in our friend. Our mutual friend didn't communicate with me either though...hmmm. I did however, text to the point of possible "boy who travels with bands" planning annoyance. But i'm a planner! Maybe I communicated too much, but so what!! At this point, because I'm such a planner and communicated..i'm assuming he thinks i'm some crazy person like his ex who hit him in the face...ok so maybe i did that to an ex once, but he deserved it (no really, ex and I broke up and 2 days later we went out together and he kissed another girl in front of me..deserved. "last boy"s girl, just slapped him cuz she was drunk)
So, then there's tonight. I introduced a guy friend who is in town just until tomorrow, to a friend I was just getting to know last night. They exchanged numbers and we talked about enjoying tonight, and painting the town red! My gal pal and I both had separate plans earlier in the night, but as soon as they were done we contacted one another.
First it was meet here, than it was meet there, and then I went there, and waited..and waited...and decided to walk where I knew other people I knew would be around so I wasn't freezing all by myself at some bar. I couldn't get a hold of my guy friend, so I called my gal pal, expressed my frozen ness and suggested they all meet up with my gal pal and I's other friends.
I got a "on the phone call you in a bit" but that never happened. I tried to contact other members in the band, but nothing. absolutely nothing. did they get what they wanted? yes, and what was that. A few attractive girls phone numbers and although, i of course am attractive (wink wink) I wasn't going to sleep with any of these guys, so..leave her in the dust. Now maybe that isn't true, but what else am I to think? I'm in a bar..by myself..because i was told to meet there, but nothing..and still nothing.
I even made a joke of "no idea where you fools are! :D! " and nothing. Id only hope my gal pal and guy friend went on a little rendezvous..and how great am I to hook them up, but a little "hey things are going down ;) * wink face " would have been nice.
I am getting the feeling still that people are trying to push me out, but I really don't know what I've done. I haven't taken money, or talked bad about anyone. I haven't embarrassed or harassed. If anything I've spent more than enough time, and sometimes money for/ with these people, who obviously are not appreciative..and so i cut them out. I cut them out, and I find more friends, and then those friends go and the other ones come back, but then, i realize I have but a few close friends, and I guess thats why they call them best friends.
Hope some day I"ll know. I'm really tired of annoying people and making them think they don't want to hang out with me, at least thats what I think they are thinking...no idea why!
Lose 1 friend, Gain 50 more friends, lovers, $, knowledge.
So in this day and age, we not only have to worry about the inflections in our voice, our nonverbal communication, or our verbal phrasing, but we also have to consider how we type, text, and emoticon it. If you ever receive any type of email or text from me, it will look something like this:
!!!!!! :/ :) :( ,:D ^_^ ???? .....
I pretty much text how I speak, because some where along the lines, someone ends up reading into something that they shouldn't. Another thing I do, is if someone I don't care to speak for texts me..i won't text them back. This is pretty general, but I usually won't text back because I never want to speak to the person again, I feel that no response should say it all. Although this is how I approach it.. without confrontation, I assume others do the same...but for the reasons they stop communicating..thats what i don't understand.
When the "last boy" did not text me back, I assumed he didn't want to hang out with me, but why not? Everything was fine, and I knew he wasn't interested in our friend. Our mutual friend didn't communicate with me either though...hmmm. I did however, text to the point of possible "boy who travels with bands" planning annoyance. But i'm a planner! Maybe I communicated too much, but so what!! At this point, because I'm such a planner and communicated..i'm assuming he thinks i'm some crazy person like his ex who hit him in the face...ok so maybe i did that to an ex once, but he deserved it (no really, ex and I broke up and 2 days later we went out together and he kissed another girl in front of me..deserved. "last boy"s girl, just slapped him cuz she was drunk)
So, then there's tonight. I introduced a guy friend who is in town just until tomorrow, to a friend I was just getting to know last night. They exchanged numbers and we talked about enjoying tonight, and painting the town red! My gal pal and I both had separate plans earlier in the night, but as soon as they were done we contacted one another.
First it was meet here, than it was meet there, and then I went there, and waited..and waited...and decided to walk where I knew other people I knew would be around so I wasn't freezing all by myself at some bar. I couldn't get a hold of my guy friend, so I called my gal pal, expressed my frozen ness and suggested they all meet up with my gal pal and I's other friends.
I got a "on the phone call you in a bit" but that never happened. I tried to contact other members in the band, but nothing. absolutely nothing. did they get what they wanted? yes, and what was that. A few attractive girls phone numbers and although, i of course am attractive (wink wink) I wasn't going to sleep with any of these guys, so..leave her in the dust. Now maybe that isn't true, but what else am I to think? I'm in a bar..by myself..because i was told to meet there, but nothing..and still nothing.
I even made a joke of "no idea where you fools are! :D! " and nothing. Id only hope my gal pal and guy friend went on a little rendezvous..and how great am I to hook them up, but a little "hey things are going down ;) * wink face " would have been nice.
I am getting the feeling still that people are trying to push me out, but I really don't know what I've done. I haven't taken money, or talked bad about anyone. I haven't embarrassed or harassed. If anything I've spent more than enough time, and sometimes money for/ with these people, who obviously are not appreciative..and so i cut them out. I cut them out, and I find more friends, and then those friends go and the other ones come back, but then, i realize I have but a few close friends, and I guess thats why they call them best friends.
Hope some day I"ll know. I'm really tired of annoying people and making them think they don't want to hang out with me, at least thats what I think they are thinking...no idea why!
Lose 1 friend, Gain 50 more friends, lovers, $, knowledge.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Fools Gold..
He left today, off to Chicago, and I couldn't be happier. Here's to the official first day of being available..oi!
PREVIOUSLY:
The first time I heard that this type of behavior was even.. real was a long long time ago...ok about 7 years ago. I was hanging with a guy who I thought was just "so amazing" I couldn't stop talking about him. Seriously..it got to the point I actually lost some friends..and that should show you just how "amazing" he was. Creatively manipulative, and when I questioned where he was or what he was up to, he would respond with "that girl? you know how some people collect people? she collects a lot of guys. and I'm one of them" or "I've gotta be mean to you, so you'll get over me..so thats why i've been a dick"
Although these honest statements were refreshing when they came out..and only refreshing because I would realize how stupid he was .. it made sense. But why he couldn't just say "hey, i'm not into hanging out tonight." or "yeah i think i'm into this girl" it was all lies. little lies *fools gold, because after he'd say these strange honest, yet hurtful statements, he would wrangle me back in his arms, and with big blue eyes, I'd be back to where I started.
2010:
I met him through a close friend and at first appearance, thought..oh brother this guys a handful. I shouldn't have gotten caught up with the rest of what I thought we had... a real connection.
That first night we hung out he was honest when I asked my strange questions such as "what do people say is the most negative thing about you" and he responded "i'm materialistic" me being on the positive side said "you're just picky" ...his response.." no i'm materialistic"
Again, i tried to brush it off and be positive. We ended up having a real fun night, and he was more opposite than I'd thought. He loved being on the road, country music, beer, and adventures. We spent the rest of the week bowling, drinking, laughing, adventuring. It was great. I dropped him off at the airport, and we hoped we'd see each other soon.
We'd meet up a few more times, but as much as the tension was there, nothing happened..and then there was that one time.... It was random but sweet, and we didn't go as far as I think either of us would've hoped,but we went far enough. The next morning we all hung out ( we..umm shared a room with about 6 other people...oh the world of being in a band and on the road) I gave him a hug and left, but he seemed a little.. distant.
We stayed in touch through phone numbers and twitter, and I noticed he'd acquired a girlfriend. And I could tell she was a handful, but they looked good together. Needless to say this relationship didn't work out, and she turned out to be crazy...duh. I wasn't looking for a relationship with this guy, but his company was sweet, and his kiss was pretty sweet as well. How could a girl resist a good kiss!
We crossed paths in an airport and had 10 minutes to catch up and hug. He told me he'd be back in my city in a few weeks. Uh..what do you think i was thinking..yeah. xoxo boom boom pow yeow! Well...I thought too quick
THIS WEEKEND
He got in on a Thursday and even though he flew in, I didn't hear from him. I bugged him a bit..probably too much "where are ya? what ya doin?!" etc... I found out later he and some friends went to Red door..my local hang. I wasn't feeling well anyway, so no big.
The next day, i got a text from him, and got giddy. I picked him up, coffee, dinner, and a show.. It was a great night, and I paid for dinner so it wasn't a date. Our friend met up with us at the show, and I could tell she was a little uneasy. She asked how our night was and I said we had a coffee date and dinner.. she only heard date and said "he has a girlfriend" I just spent the last few hours talking to this guy about how he didn't want to be in a relationship.
We got back in the car and I had to ask him. He held my hand and said "no! did we not just talk about this?" Thats probably when i lost my chance but all to say he went back to my friends, and i went home.
The weekend continued this way, and he wouldn't tell me where he was, and neither would my friend. It was as if he felt by being mean to me I would be mad at him and just peace out..well it worked. It worked very well..and as a tormented girl I can't help but think, he must actually care a little bit to be so mean. Like boys throwing rocks or hitting girls on the playground. Well guess what, this girl already got pretty beat up, so its going to take some tender manipulation to get back to what I miss. My real connection, communication. I almost ended up losing 2 friends. My girlfriend obviously wasn't very honest with her feelings for her "brother" or maybe she was..but still..weird.
So yes... NO more possibilities. I'm officially available. Applications still being accepted:)
PREVIOUSLY:
The first time I heard that this type of behavior was even.. real was a long long time ago...ok about 7 years ago. I was hanging with a guy who I thought was just "so amazing" I couldn't stop talking about him. Seriously..it got to the point I actually lost some friends..and that should show you just how "amazing" he was. Creatively manipulative, and when I questioned where he was or what he was up to, he would respond with "that girl? you know how some people collect people? she collects a lot of guys. and I'm one of them" or "I've gotta be mean to you, so you'll get over me..so thats why i've been a dick"
Although these honest statements were refreshing when they came out..and only refreshing because I would realize how stupid he was .. it made sense. But why he couldn't just say "hey, i'm not into hanging out tonight." or "yeah i think i'm into this girl" it was all lies. little lies *fools gold, because after he'd say these strange honest, yet hurtful statements, he would wrangle me back in his arms, and with big blue eyes, I'd be back to where I started.
2010:
I met him through a close friend and at first appearance, thought..oh brother this guys a handful. I shouldn't have gotten caught up with the rest of what I thought we had... a real connection.
That first night we hung out he was honest when I asked my strange questions such as "what do people say is the most negative thing about you" and he responded "i'm materialistic" me being on the positive side said "you're just picky" ...his response.." no i'm materialistic"
Again, i tried to brush it off and be positive. We ended up having a real fun night, and he was more opposite than I'd thought. He loved being on the road, country music, beer, and adventures. We spent the rest of the week bowling, drinking, laughing, adventuring. It was great. I dropped him off at the airport, and we hoped we'd see each other soon.
We'd meet up a few more times, but as much as the tension was there, nothing happened..and then there was that one time.... It was random but sweet, and we didn't go as far as I think either of us would've hoped,but we went far enough. The next morning we all hung out ( we..umm shared a room with about 6 other people...oh the world of being in a band and on the road) I gave him a hug and left, but he seemed a little.. distant.
We stayed in touch through phone numbers and twitter, and I noticed he'd acquired a girlfriend. And I could tell she was a handful, but they looked good together. Needless to say this relationship didn't work out, and she turned out to be crazy...duh. I wasn't looking for a relationship with this guy, but his company was sweet, and his kiss was pretty sweet as well. How could a girl resist a good kiss!
We crossed paths in an airport and had 10 minutes to catch up and hug. He told me he'd be back in my city in a few weeks. Uh..what do you think i was thinking..yeah. xoxo boom boom pow yeow! Well...I thought too quick
THIS WEEKEND
He got in on a Thursday and even though he flew in, I didn't hear from him. I bugged him a bit..probably too much "where are ya? what ya doin?!" etc... I found out later he and some friends went to Red door..my local hang. I wasn't feeling well anyway, so no big.
The next day, i got a text from him, and got giddy. I picked him up, coffee, dinner, and a show.. It was a great night, and I paid for dinner so it wasn't a date. Our friend met up with us at the show, and I could tell she was a little uneasy. She asked how our night was and I said we had a coffee date and dinner.. she only heard date and said "he has a girlfriend" I just spent the last few hours talking to this guy about how he didn't want to be in a relationship.
We got back in the car and I had to ask him. He held my hand and said "no! did we not just talk about this?" Thats probably when i lost my chance but all to say he went back to my friends, and i went home.
The weekend continued this way, and he wouldn't tell me where he was, and neither would my friend. It was as if he felt by being mean to me I would be mad at him and just peace out..well it worked. It worked very well..and as a tormented girl I can't help but think, he must actually care a little bit to be so mean. Like boys throwing rocks or hitting girls on the playground. Well guess what, this girl already got pretty beat up, so its going to take some tender manipulation to get back to what I miss. My real connection, communication. I almost ended up losing 2 friends. My girlfriend obviously wasn't very honest with her feelings for her "brother" or maybe she was..but still..weird.
So yes... NO more possibilities. I'm officially available. Applications still being accepted:)
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Lust detox..
So, its happening... I'm about to have no dates, no boys, no males in my bed until my birthday..in August. Thats 6 months away. So here's whats going on.
My first time, i was 18. After that, I wasn't with anyone until I was 22. To shorten the story, lets just say, I didn't particularly want to be with the 2nd guy, but it happened and after that..i went on a rampage.
Since 2005, i don't think i've gone more than 3 weeks without kissing, cuddling, making out, hooking up, being in relationship with someone. It wasn't until I was talking to my roommate about this, that we both realized...we need a detox.
Like any detox, you go through the withdrawals, the tantrums, and you want to quit, and then there's the relapse. And this is why, my roommate and I are joining forces..but its been difficult. I never saw myself as a "serial dater" but as it turns out, I'm just a "serial luster" I want, i get, want it again, but it doesn't stick and I keep going after my dirty habit.
The first thing I've had to do, is get rid of the remainder guys that I could just call up and well..booty call. It started with one of my young guns...he's ...exceptionally younger than me, but we've always had a good time. That was pretty easy. I just stopped calling/texting/ attending his shows. He's young enough, girls his age are like young snakes and don't know how to stop biting.
The second one ( yeah there's multiple) our lust affairs were sneaky from the start. Turns out one of his ex girlfriends was a friend of mine. Yes, I'm a bit of a bad person, because before hooking up with him, i found out this information, but time had passed, this girl got a boyfriend, and we went at it..several times. But, he insisted it be kept secret. so we did.
I went to a party he was throwing, and oops! Caught him in his room with another girl. Having to get my keys from his room was a bit awkward, but necessary, and meh..i wasn't emotionally attached, so "bon voyage!"
There were several others in the mix, but this last one...ooh this last one. He's here now. Sweet, big heart, he's got that twinkle smolder look.. From the outside you'd probably go..really? you and him? Yeah, he's really hot, and i'm really awkward.. but.. Yep..it works. Except for one thing. He's so in love with the road, he's scared to face whats right in front of his face, and me being the persistent one, I think if anything i'm chasing him away. Its going to be tough seeing this one go, but so necessary.
Its 7pm, and I"ve told a friend I'd meet her for some Wine...I'm still waiting for this last one to call me to hang out. I'm scared its not going to happen...i'm sad its not going to happen, and then the truth will sink in; I'm beyond single.
My first time, i was 18. After that, I wasn't with anyone until I was 22. To shorten the story, lets just say, I didn't particularly want to be with the 2nd guy, but it happened and after that..i went on a rampage.
Since 2005, i don't think i've gone more than 3 weeks without kissing, cuddling, making out, hooking up, being in relationship with someone. It wasn't until I was talking to my roommate about this, that we both realized...we need a detox.
Like any detox, you go through the withdrawals, the tantrums, and you want to quit, and then there's the relapse. And this is why, my roommate and I are joining forces..but its been difficult. I never saw myself as a "serial dater" but as it turns out, I'm just a "serial luster" I want, i get, want it again, but it doesn't stick and I keep going after my dirty habit.
The first thing I've had to do, is get rid of the remainder guys that I could just call up and well..booty call. It started with one of my young guns...he's ...exceptionally younger than me, but we've always had a good time. That was pretty easy. I just stopped calling/texting/ attending his shows. He's young enough, girls his age are like young snakes and don't know how to stop biting.
The second one ( yeah there's multiple) our lust affairs were sneaky from the start. Turns out one of his ex girlfriends was a friend of mine. Yes, I'm a bit of a bad person, because before hooking up with him, i found out this information, but time had passed, this girl got a boyfriend, and we went at it..several times. But, he insisted it be kept secret. so we did.
I went to a party he was throwing, and oops! Caught him in his room with another girl. Having to get my keys from his room was a bit awkward, but necessary, and meh..i wasn't emotionally attached, so "bon voyage!"
There were several others in the mix, but this last one...ooh this last one. He's here now. Sweet, big heart, he's got that twinkle smolder look.. From the outside you'd probably go..really? you and him? Yeah, he's really hot, and i'm really awkward.. but.. Yep..it works. Except for one thing. He's so in love with the road, he's scared to face whats right in front of his face, and me being the persistent one, I think if anything i'm chasing him away. Its going to be tough seeing this one go, but so necessary.
Its 7pm, and I"ve told a friend I'd meet her for some Wine...I'm still waiting for this last one to call me to hang out. I'm scared its not going to happen...i'm sad its not going to happen, and then the truth will sink in; I'm beyond single.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Money can't buy friends...or can it.
Lately, I've been pinching pennies just so I can have enough money to get gas, pay rent, pay my bills and eat. The beginning of the year is always difficult. Its the end of a big shopping Holiday month and the beginning of getting my taxes ready, and even with the refund, I'm still paying off a debt of some sort.
I've been smart in putting money aside for emergencies only, and giving myself a small budget of $100 a week. $100 covers a tank of gas, food, and a little leisure money. The little leisure money I have, I choose one day in the week to have a beverage or dinner with a friend, and if I don't end up doing that, I put it towards a bill I need to pay. With my paycheck being so minimal, I didn't realize how much I was unable to go out, and because of this, how little my friends were calling me to hang out.
I noticed on my twitter feed, pictures of my friends together, or notifications that a group of people were all hanging out somewhere, and I've been feeling a little bit..well..lonely. I'm getting my finances and my career all lined up, but as far as my friends, they are all kind of disappearing. This when I realized how much I had been, in a sense, worth to my friends as much as I had.
I don't think this was intentional at all. Its just how it works sometimes. Without money, I couldn't go out. If I can't go out, I am not socializing as much. If I'm not socializing as much, i become out of sight out of mind.
Although I was a bit wounded at the realization that some of my friendships were faulty, I enjoyed being able to come home to a well organized clean home. I also enjoyed getting up early, running, and not being hungover. Its been a new dawn!! but ... without friends..I still have felt penniless
Last night I decided to go out, have a drink, and go where the night carried me..oops..until 4 am. I got to a bar where some friends I hadn't seen in awhile were at. Upon my arrival, I saw an all too familiar face...a boy I'd been trying to text the entire night, but he kept ignoring me. I acted as if I didn't recognize he was there and talked to my friends, but he came over and said hello. Upon his hello I confronted the matter that he didn't get back to me, and it was fine, so we decided to reconcile over shots.... slight problem..his friends followed, and before you know it, I was out $63.
The rest of the night I had friends. We carried the night away until we needed some drunken food. I was more than happy to grab some and thought I would be able to stay over as well.. at least was hoping. But upon my arrival to their place, I found, I was back on the road, with fast food in the passenger seat, not knowing if I would ever see these friends again.
They say you win some you lose some, I guess they're not just talking about money, but people too. I just wish more would stay consistent. If they did, than maybe I could "invest" more for the future.
I've been smart in putting money aside for emergencies only, and giving myself a small budget of $100 a week. $100 covers a tank of gas, food, and a little leisure money. The little leisure money I have, I choose one day in the week to have a beverage or dinner with a friend, and if I don't end up doing that, I put it towards a bill I need to pay. With my paycheck being so minimal, I didn't realize how much I was unable to go out, and because of this, how little my friends were calling me to hang out.
I noticed on my twitter feed, pictures of my friends together, or notifications that a group of people were all hanging out somewhere, and I've been feeling a little bit..well..lonely. I'm getting my finances and my career all lined up, but as far as my friends, they are all kind of disappearing. This when I realized how much I had been, in a sense, worth to my friends as much as I had.
I don't think this was intentional at all. Its just how it works sometimes. Without money, I couldn't go out. If I can't go out, I am not socializing as much. If I'm not socializing as much, i become out of sight out of mind.
Although I was a bit wounded at the realization that some of my friendships were faulty, I enjoyed being able to come home to a well organized clean home. I also enjoyed getting up early, running, and not being hungover. Its been a new dawn!! but ... without friends..I still have felt penniless
Last night I decided to go out, have a drink, and go where the night carried me..oops..until 4 am. I got to a bar where some friends I hadn't seen in awhile were at. Upon my arrival, I saw an all too familiar face...a boy I'd been trying to text the entire night, but he kept ignoring me. I acted as if I didn't recognize he was there and talked to my friends, but he came over and said hello. Upon his hello I confronted the matter that he didn't get back to me, and it was fine, so we decided to reconcile over shots.... slight problem..his friends followed, and before you know it, I was out $63.
The rest of the night I had friends. We carried the night away until we needed some drunken food. I was more than happy to grab some and thought I would be able to stay over as well.. at least was hoping. But upon my arrival to their place, I found, I was back on the road, with fast food in the passenger seat, not knowing if I would ever see these friends again.
They say you win some you lose some, I guess they're not just talking about money, but people too. I just wish more would stay consistent. If they did, than maybe I could "invest" more for the future.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Girl Date
Have you ever seen, "I love you man" well, if you have you'll understand this.
I met this super great girl a few months back, and we never were able to meet up again. We tried, but it never worked out and then we ran into each other again at a show, and we made a point to hang out. Tonight was our first "date" and it was amazing.
Talk about timing. I feel if we were to have hung out before it wouldn't have been the same as tonight. We bonded over girly beverages and story conversations. She's been married more than a year now, but she's the type of girl who even though she's married, still gets out and I love that!! They're hard to come by. We totally share the same interests. and as our conversation escalated, I could tell there were more stories to tell.
We ended our date with a cigarette and a giddy plan to hang out over the weekend. She wants me to meet a boy named Chad..who knows. ..maybe this will get me over "Love of My Life"
For now im' so excited to see where this friendship goes. Shes' ridiculously beautiful, which intimidates me a little bit, but there's something there. She's a total God send... so many mysteries, and we'll just have to see about this man friend she has for me... Date 2! oooooh!
I met this super great girl a few months back, and we never were able to meet up again. We tried, but it never worked out and then we ran into each other again at a show, and we made a point to hang out. Tonight was our first "date" and it was amazing.
Talk about timing. I feel if we were to have hung out before it wouldn't have been the same as tonight. We bonded over girly beverages and story conversations. She's been married more than a year now, but she's the type of girl who even though she's married, still gets out and I love that!! They're hard to come by. We totally share the same interests. and as our conversation escalated, I could tell there were more stories to tell.
We ended our date with a cigarette and a giddy plan to hang out over the weekend. She wants me to meet a boy named Chad..who knows. ..maybe this will get me over "Love of My Life"
For now im' so excited to see where this friendship goes. Shes' ridiculously beautiful, which intimidates me a little bit, but there's something there. She's a total God send... so many mysteries, and we'll just have to see about this man friend she has for me... Date 2! oooooh!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Forgiven
I woke up today, relaxed. I put on a dress and my "fancy heels" for work. Working in retail as a stylist I can get away with wearing anything but i thought I'd spruce it up a bit. I walked outside to find that it was a beautiful balmy 60 degrees out, yet again, and joyfully got in my car and headed to work.
As I sat in what the locals know as "hilsboro traffic" I for some reason started to reminisce on my days when I was on tour with one of our biggest pop stars. To keep anonymity, I won't say..but lets just say this person is one of our biggest pop stars and it was a tour, I will never forget. I every now and again remember this one day I decided to stay back on one of our festival tours, so I could say goodbye to all the people I had met the past few months. I remember right before our bus left i wasn't feeling well, and I considered getting back on my bus and heading to our next destination. I missed our bus, and stayed back, and had a great time, but when I rejoined the group I was touring with, I felt out of place. I could tell that I was about to be let go.
I pushed it to the side and finished my work. I went to the after party, and the next day went to the office. I went to talk to my boss and ask if I could stay on the tour. I didn't get a response. I really wanted to stay on the tour. Little did I know a nasty rumor went around that I was touring with another band...it wasn't true. I still think of this series of events and wish I had just left with my tour family instead of staying back. I remember that night, and it was aweful. I was sick, I found out the boy I was seeing on the tour, was totally over it, and I can't help but think, me not going with on the next tour date, is what made me lose my job.
On the upside, I remember this certain pop star told me one day, "I don't want you to be my bitch any more. You have a lot of talent. If you keep working for me, you'll always wonder what could have happened" I suppose thats true. Grass is always greener kind of thing, but I do wonder, and I do miss those days on that bus with those people.
As my mind wandered around my regrets, and doubts, I continued to beat myself up. Maybe all this time I was supposed to be acting, or teaching, or maybe just working behind the scenes. How am I ever going to be where I'd like to be. I'm too old to be a performer now, but Cheryl Crow was 30 before her big hit came out, and so on and so on and so on.
As I walked the winding back passageways of the mall, I began to pray. God, I just need someone to pray for me. I need someone to pray with me, but who. I don't have anyone like that any more. At least I don't think I do.
I entered my store, and clocked in. I stepped on to the floor barely being able to breath. I was giving myself anxiety. I was hurting my head, my heart, every part of me wanted to run out of the store and cry. What am I doing!! Where am I heading! What is all of this!!
My co worker, looked at me and asked if I was alright. I didn't want to show my anxiety, so i just giggled and laughed and said I was just feeling weird. I knew that she was a believer, and thought "maybe she can pray with me" I found out she was actually going to church that evening, and so...i went.
The worship was good, and the message was alright, but as I sat in that room and listened to his sermon on forgiveness, i realized, I hadn't yet forgiven myself for things I did selfishly. I was beating myself up, telling myself how wrong and horrible I was, because I hadn't forgiven myself.
Now I don't know about you, but its actually pretty hard to forgive yourself, especially when its hard to forget, and we go through all the shoulda coulda woulda's ,but for now, I'm going to try and forgive myself, and move forward. for now, at least I'll try.
Today has had a few surprises for me, and it all started with a simple prayer of faith. From asking for people to pray with, to asking what my purpose is, to seeking out forgiveness. i'm really starting to see something forming, changing, molding. and as my mom would say "you can't see the wind, but you can always see its effects"
As I sat in what the locals know as "hilsboro traffic" I for some reason started to reminisce on my days when I was on tour with one of our biggest pop stars. To keep anonymity, I won't say..but lets just say this person is one of our biggest pop stars and it was a tour, I will never forget. I every now and again remember this one day I decided to stay back on one of our festival tours, so I could say goodbye to all the people I had met the past few months. I remember right before our bus left i wasn't feeling well, and I considered getting back on my bus and heading to our next destination. I missed our bus, and stayed back, and had a great time, but when I rejoined the group I was touring with, I felt out of place. I could tell that I was about to be let go.
I pushed it to the side and finished my work. I went to the after party, and the next day went to the office. I went to talk to my boss and ask if I could stay on the tour. I didn't get a response. I really wanted to stay on the tour. Little did I know a nasty rumor went around that I was touring with another band...it wasn't true. I still think of this series of events and wish I had just left with my tour family instead of staying back. I remember that night, and it was aweful. I was sick, I found out the boy I was seeing on the tour, was totally over it, and I can't help but think, me not going with on the next tour date, is what made me lose my job.
On the upside, I remember this certain pop star told me one day, "I don't want you to be my bitch any more. You have a lot of talent. If you keep working for me, you'll always wonder what could have happened" I suppose thats true. Grass is always greener kind of thing, but I do wonder, and I do miss those days on that bus with those people.
As my mind wandered around my regrets, and doubts, I continued to beat myself up. Maybe all this time I was supposed to be acting, or teaching, or maybe just working behind the scenes. How am I ever going to be where I'd like to be. I'm too old to be a performer now, but Cheryl Crow was 30 before her big hit came out, and so on and so on and so on.
As I walked the winding back passageways of the mall, I began to pray. God, I just need someone to pray for me. I need someone to pray with me, but who. I don't have anyone like that any more. At least I don't think I do.
I entered my store, and clocked in. I stepped on to the floor barely being able to breath. I was giving myself anxiety. I was hurting my head, my heart, every part of me wanted to run out of the store and cry. What am I doing!! Where am I heading! What is all of this!!
My co worker, looked at me and asked if I was alright. I didn't want to show my anxiety, so i just giggled and laughed and said I was just feeling weird. I knew that she was a believer, and thought "maybe she can pray with me" I found out she was actually going to church that evening, and so...i went.
The worship was good, and the message was alright, but as I sat in that room and listened to his sermon on forgiveness, i realized, I hadn't yet forgiven myself for things I did selfishly. I was beating myself up, telling myself how wrong and horrible I was, because I hadn't forgiven myself.
Now I don't know about you, but its actually pretty hard to forgive yourself, especially when its hard to forget, and we go through all the shoulda coulda woulda's ,but for now, I'm going to try and forgive myself, and move forward. for now, at least I'll try.
Today has had a few surprises for me, and it all started with a simple prayer of faith. From asking for people to pray with, to asking what my purpose is, to seeking out forgiveness. i'm really starting to see something forming, changing, molding. and as my mom would say "you can't see the wind, but you can always see its effects"
Monday, January 30, 2012
Purpose...
I grew up in the church. I was baptized when I was 13 on Valentines day. I was baptized again when I was about 21. The second time I was baptized, I felt a huge burden lifted off of me. I felt alive, free, unhinged, and I felt I had purpose. I was baptized at midnight in the ocean by my friend who was a pastor. Myself and 4 other people went out and asked to be free, to shed an old layer and put on a new one. I want that again.
After I was baptized, I got a bit religious. I offended some people, by what I had to say. I realized later of course, and in finding out later, I also "fell away" as they say. But I really don't feel like I've fallen that much. I'm still very much a believer, and I have my own theologies on matters, but I wouldn't say I was a "Christian" At least not how typical society looks at Christians today.
I believe, a Christian is someone who follows Christ. In following Christ he adheres to what He says, you obey. I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior. I believe that he died on a cross for my sins. But as human as He's made me, I'm still a fool. I haven't been obedient. But I know God still loves me as a fool.
So many times in the bible, are stories of God using the fool. He doesn't use the "oh wisest and smartest of them all" He uses the meek, weak, anxiety ridden fools. He also uses some patient ones, but for the most part..they are fools. I feel like one of these fools and today, I took a step back, breathed in, and asked myself, "what do I feel is my purpose"
Growing up in the church you learn that the Christian's purpose is to tell of all Gods work, and in a way Harvest believers. I believe some Christians have taken the idea of Gods purpose out of context. They build mega churches which are more like theme parks, and attract people in like fools gold. Hearts and stars, and fluff, filled with fun and enjoyable feel good things to do..but I really shouldn't judge. I like shiny things, I'm recruited all the time by people. But still...I don't believe our only purpose is to count members, and live by good example.
My life of living on the "wild side" has showed me an amazing amount of characters. A lot of people are more attracted by drama, because they/ we don't know where else our purpose is. Some people feel like purpose in America is having a good job, marrying a good spouse, making tons of money and raising a family..that's nice I suppose. But I truly believe that God really does have a solid purpose for me, and each and everyone of us.
I came to Nashville to get away, and maybe be able to do my own thing and do my own music. I'm starting to wonder if by taking it in my own hands I lost sight of my true purpose: to love, listen, and obey. Obey WHAT! you ask, Obey the little voice in my head that I know is not evil but that is good. Obey the commandments not as a set of rules, but as really good morals to go by, that will protect me, my mind, heart and soul. Obey the strength inside me and not the weakness.
And at the end of the day i'm still a fool. Still drinking, and cussin, and kissin. Still wondering if me writing and singing was a mistake. Still taking in deep breaths when I think about my age vs. music. Thinking maybe I should have stayed with acting, or maybe stayed behind the scenes.
The greatest joy of being a "Christian" was that I didn't worry, or have these questions in my head like a sound loop every day. I wondered, I prayed, and God answered. My purpose was to love, listen, and obey.
After I was baptized, I got a bit religious. I offended some people, by what I had to say. I realized later of course, and in finding out later, I also "fell away" as they say. But I really don't feel like I've fallen that much. I'm still very much a believer, and I have my own theologies on matters, but I wouldn't say I was a "Christian" At least not how typical society looks at Christians today.
I believe, a Christian is someone who follows Christ. In following Christ he adheres to what He says, you obey. I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior. I believe that he died on a cross for my sins. But as human as He's made me, I'm still a fool. I haven't been obedient. But I know God still loves me as a fool.
So many times in the bible, are stories of God using the fool. He doesn't use the "oh wisest and smartest of them all" He uses the meek, weak, anxiety ridden fools. He also uses some patient ones, but for the most part..they are fools. I feel like one of these fools and today, I took a step back, breathed in, and asked myself, "what do I feel is my purpose"
Growing up in the church you learn that the Christian's purpose is to tell of all Gods work, and in a way Harvest believers. I believe some Christians have taken the idea of Gods purpose out of context. They build mega churches which are more like theme parks, and attract people in like fools gold. Hearts and stars, and fluff, filled with fun and enjoyable feel good things to do..but I really shouldn't judge. I like shiny things, I'm recruited all the time by people. But still...I don't believe our only purpose is to count members, and live by good example.
My life of living on the "wild side" has showed me an amazing amount of characters. A lot of people are more attracted by drama, because they/ we don't know where else our purpose is. Some people feel like purpose in America is having a good job, marrying a good spouse, making tons of money and raising a family..that's nice I suppose. But I truly believe that God really does have a solid purpose for me, and each and everyone of us.
I came to Nashville to get away, and maybe be able to do my own thing and do my own music. I'm starting to wonder if by taking it in my own hands I lost sight of my true purpose: to love, listen, and obey. Obey WHAT! you ask, Obey the little voice in my head that I know is not evil but that is good. Obey the commandments not as a set of rules, but as really good morals to go by, that will protect me, my mind, heart and soul. Obey the strength inside me and not the weakness.
And at the end of the day i'm still a fool. Still drinking, and cussin, and kissin. Still wondering if me writing and singing was a mistake. Still taking in deep breaths when I think about my age vs. music. Thinking maybe I should have stayed with acting, or maybe stayed behind the scenes.
The greatest joy of being a "Christian" was that I didn't worry, or have these questions in my head like a sound loop every day. I wondered, I prayed, and God answered. My purpose was to love, listen, and obey.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Not Dating
My room mate came home the other day, with an idea. " Lets not date till our birthdays" (ie. August) I looked at her confused, and asked "why?!" Her explanation was this. The only reason why her and I had felt this need to be with someone was because of the serotonin that is released when we are close with someone. Its a kind of high if you will.
She continued to tell me, that her friend "Pablo" had done the same thing when he was her young age of 23. He would go out and have a good time, and not really worry about long term. He was always looking, for lack of a better term, a void, to remedy a wound of a lover past. He realized that the only thing he was doing, was beating himself up by sleeping with these random people. He was trying to get the satisfaction of a companion, when in truth the companion he was with, had no true lasting meaning.
I started thinking about my "That One, " or the "One that got away without payback" then I recognized that after him, I was in a way, serial dating. I would have a "good time" with a few, and then like one of them, but they would hurt me so, then I was back to square one having a "good time". No matter what, I was always with someone.
Last night I had a really great night. I should probably share how great the night was with another post. But at the end of the night, I was not the girl, who finally got to kiss or make out with the boy she's been eyeing for months. No, I slept on the couch, to find out later this "victim" I had tried to make had actually been with someone else last night. I suddenly felt disgusting. why would I want to be just "another one of those" and why would I want a guy who would want that. I don't want to think that I may have lost out on a really great guy, because he heard I was "with" a few different people.
I don't know if I can not date till August, but a few weeks will do for starters. Lets just see if this works:)
She continued to tell me, that her friend "Pablo" had done the same thing when he was her young age of 23. He would go out and have a good time, and not really worry about long term. He was always looking, for lack of a better term, a void, to remedy a wound of a lover past. He realized that the only thing he was doing, was beating himself up by sleeping with these random people. He was trying to get the satisfaction of a companion, when in truth the companion he was with, had no true lasting meaning.
I started thinking about my "That One, " or the "One that got away without payback" then I recognized that after him, I was in a way, serial dating. I would have a "good time" with a few, and then like one of them, but they would hurt me so, then I was back to square one having a "good time". No matter what, I was always with someone.
Last night I had a really great night. I should probably share how great the night was with another post. But at the end of the night, I was not the girl, who finally got to kiss or make out with the boy she's been eyeing for months. No, I slept on the couch, to find out later this "victim" I had tried to make had actually been with someone else last night. I suddenly felt disgusting. why would I want to be just "another one of those" and why would I want a guy who would want that. I don't want to think that I may have lost out on a really great guy, because he heard I was "with" a few different people.
I don't know if I can not date till August, but a few weeks will do for starters. Lets just see if this works:)
Friday, January 27, 2012
For the Kids
10 minutes to midnight..keeping my commitment.
I'm running the Music City Half Marathon to raise money for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I hate running, but I am SO excited to be doing it for a good cause. there is also another benefit...getting fit and losing some weight!! Problem.....
the more I work out, the more I make excuses for eating more!!
After doing well by eating Miso Soup, and a small portion of Chicken Curry and Rice, I met up with some friends for a double pour Twisted Iced Tea, and on top of that, we ordered Nachos, buffalo wings, and Cheese sticks. All of which I ate a majority of. So what now. What now! You know what!! I'm going to gain more weight doing this marathon!! lets hope not. I guess I'll keep you posted and see how that goes........if anything.. its all for the Kids!
I'm running the Music City Half Marathon to raise money for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I hate running, but I am SO excited to be doing it for a good cause. there is also another benefit...getting fit and losing some weight!! Problem.....
the more I work out, the more I make excuses for eating more!!
After doing well by eating Miso Soup, and a small portion of Chicken Curry and Rice, I met up with some friends for a double pour Twisted Iced Tea, and on top of that, we ordered Nachos, buffalo wings, and Cheese sticks. All of which I ate a majority of. So what now. What now! You know what!! I'm going to gain more weight doing this marathon!! lets hope not. I guess I'll keep you posted and see how that goes........if anything.. its all for the Kids!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Rest? heh? whats that?
Get up
Work Out
Shower
Work
Meeting
Eat
Drink
Bed
Again........
Sound like you? You want a break? yeah me too.
Today I did the first 3. I didn't need to go into my day job. So I decided to "take the day off" The weather is beautiful for July. It feels like west coast weather...I mean seriously 60 degrees..in Nashville..in January..really?
So, in "taking a break", I came home took a shower, made a Kale salad, and joined my new roommate in the living room. She was watching the Departed, but instead of just sitting and enjoying, I grabbed my computer, and got straight to the emails. One email turns into 5 more websites 10 more papers to print out, and a new album a friend wants me to listen to. Before I know it, I've got 4 more meetings and if I don't take them.. I won't get the job.... or will I?
Other than keeping up with this blog..I'm seriously..taking a break....right after I file these papers.....
Work Out
Shower
Work
Meeting
Eat
Drink
Bed
Again........
Sound like you? You want a break? yeah me too.
Today I did the first 3. I didn't need to go into my day job. So I decided to "take the day off" The weather is beautiful for July. It feels like west coast weather...I mean seriously 60 degrees..in Nashville..in January..really?
So, in "taking a break", I came home took a shower, made a Kale salad, and joined my new roommate in the living room. She was watching the Departed, but instead of just sitting and enjoying, I grabbed my computer, and got straight to the emails. One email turns into 5 more websites 10 more papers to print out, and a new album a friend wants me to listen to. Before I know it, I've got 4 more meetings and if I don't take them.. I won't get the job.... or will I?
Other than keeping up with this blog..I'm seriously..taking a break....right after I file these papers.....
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Guilty as Charged... I'm a west coast gal
MINE
I grew up, spoiled with love. My parents were young, not yet married, and driven to build a life for their baby girl. Growing up, I felt like I had two sets of parents. My Grandparents, and my parents. I was the first born on my mom's side so there were no kids to play with till later, and my only other friend lived down the street, and we got a long well.
It wasn't until I was 12 years old, I found out I was having a sister....what..why?! HOw!? I enjoyed dressing her up, bossing her around, telling her to "go away" then to "come back" but I hated...sharing. who would've thought even with a 12 year difference, sharing would be difficult.
I didn't have a problem sharing toys, because I didn't really have any, or clothes, it was mainly attention, and comparing things she received, that I hadn't received when I was her age. Its tamed since then, but not by much. Its always hard paving the way for someone else, but at the same time, I enjoy watching her enjoy life differently then I had.
Since my realization of sharing, I tried to be "chill" and "laid back" about things. I let people borrow my clothes, or house appliances, my car, only to receive them back damaged, dirty, or misused. My sister and I, coming from the same blood, were brought up to give someone back their property, better than when it was borrowed in the first place. Unfortunately, a lot of other people didn't get that memo.
I still struggle with the "mine" complex. MY Clothes, MY cheese, MY hairpins. and now "MY" house that is not even mine... I'm renting.
I currently found out one of our roommates is moving out...tomorrow. She found a replacement, and told the girl she could move in, without asking me. I demanded I meet her first. Its giving me such anxiety, because now I"m going to have to share MY space!! MY space!!! I'm going to have to AGAIN! go through all the emotions of a new person moving in, why are they moving in, what do they really want, who do they want to use me for, do they want to use me? ... and then I go through the remorse "get over yourself, you spoiled brat, its going to be fine, chill out"
The truth is....none of it is mine...
It wasn't until I was 12 years old, I found out I was having a sister....what..why?! HOw!? I enjoyed dressing her up, bossing her around, telling her to "go away" then to "come back" but I hated...sharing. who would've thought even with a 12 year difference, sharing would be difficult.
I didn't have a problem sharing toys, because I didn't really have any, or clothes, it was mainly attention, and comparing things she received, that I hadn't received when I was her age. Its tamed since then, but not by much. Its always hard paving the way for someone else, but at the same time, I enjoy watching her enjoy life differently then I had.
Since my realization of sharing, I tried to be "chill" and "laid back" about things. I let people borrow my clothes, or house appliances, my car, only to receive them back damaged, dirty, or misused. My sister and I, coming from the same blood, were brought up to give someone back their property, better than when it was borrowed in the first place. Unfortunately, a lot of other people didn't get that memo.
I still struggle with the "mine" complex. MY Clothes, MY cheese, MY hairpins. and now "MY" house that is not even mine... I'm renting.
I currently found out one of our roommates is moving out...tomorrow. She found a replacement, and told the girl she could move in, without asking me. I demanded I meet her first. Its giving me such anxiety, because now I"m going to have to share MY space!! MY space!!! I'm going to have to AGAIN! go through all the emotions of a new person moving in, why are they moving in, what do they really want, who do they want to use me for, do they want to use me? ... and then I go through the remorse "get over yourself, you spoiled brat, its going to be fine, chill out"
The truth is....none of it is mine...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Red Light Green Light
I've never been to a Red Light Green Light party, but I've always wanted to.
For those who are unfamiliar with this themed party, its where the individuals who are taken, wear Red shirts. And the individuals who are not taken...single..me, wear Green shirts. Yellow...is NOT allowed, but I'm sure some sneak in there. Its a fun idea, but when I think of having a party like this in the south..I have a strange feeling I'd be one of the rare Green shirts, looking around noticing, most of the Red Shirts, are under the age of 25, with at least 1-2 children. I kind of digested this idea tonight in my head while at a show, and by the end of the night, found myself in a Bright Green Shirt...alone.
I got to the venue, and confidently said "My Name"
The scenester door girl replied "$5)
I looked at her without a blink said "My Name" again.
I then stared her in the eyes, and looked at the paper.
with her lower lip hanging down, here eyes still glaring at me, she picked up her stamp to stamp my hand.
Now, I hate having stamps on the top of my hands. The top of your hands should be for 'X' marks, when you're under aged. Your inner wrist is where stamps belong. That way, as an adult, you don't walk into work with smears on your forehead, or the stamps ink still showing the next day, but barely, still revealing your previous nights shenanigans.
I turned my wrist over, and she said, "other side"
I said, "thats annoying, can you just stamp it on the inside"
"well you won't get any beer"
"ummm...I'm horribly over 21, whether or not I have a stamp on the top of my hand, and instead on the inside...i'll get a beer"
She had no rebuttal. I let in a deep sigh, "ok fine"
She was pretty, but above her head I put an invisible Red check mark. Not only was she probably taken by some boring hot dude, she got a Red check for "not cool, you're done, meanie face"
As I passed the stage onto the main floor, I continued my mental game of putting check marks above peoples heads. First I saw the young college girls, in their scene trendy clothes, thinking they were quickly looking at me but failing miserably, and with their faces scowling ... immediate red check for them all. Then I saw the band, young cute skinny, tight jean wearing, college boys...Green checks for "super rad peeps" Red check for "not going there, no way no how" and Yellow check for "I could..maybe hang with that one" as well as " been there done that could do that again...maybe?"
The rest of the night I played this game. Mostly Green Checks for "super rad peeps" and an exhausting amount of Red Checks "Not gonna go there" & "get over yourself" There were 3 Yellows, but no fluorescent beaming Green Checks that were like .. "whooooa, he's available, and mature, I could hang with him"
This is all too consistent. I'm getting the feeling I may need to move to where there are more people than young married people. Where are my "GONZOS?!" Where are my GREEN LIGHTS!!
****Gonzo is a term I use, when trying to explain, where are the creatures that are most alike in my ways:)
For those who are unfamiliar with this themed party, its where the individuals who are taken, wear Red shirts. And the individuals who are not taken...single..me, wear Green shirts. Yellow...is NOT allowed, but I'm sure some sneak in there. Its a fun idea, but when I think of having a party like this in the south..I have a strange feeling I'd be one of the rare Green shirts, looking around noticing, most of the Red Shirts, are under the age of 25, with at least 1-2 children. I kind of digested this idea tonight in my head while at a show, and by the end of the night, found myself in a Bright Green Shirt...alone.
I got to the venue, and confidently said "My Name"
The scenester door girl replied "$5)
I looked at her without a blink said "My Name" again.
I then stared her in the eyes, and looked at the paper.
with her lower lip hanging down, here eyes still glaring at me, she picked up her stamp to stamp my hand.
Now, I hate having stamps on the top of my hands. The top of your hands should be for 'X' marks, when you're under aged. Your inner wrist is where stamps belong. That way, as an adult, you don't walk into work with smears on your forehead, or the stamps ink still showing the next day, but barely, still revealing your previous nights shenanigans.
I turned my wrist over, and she said, "other side"
I said, "thats annoying, can you just stamp it on the inside"
"well you won't get any beer"
"ummm...I'm horribly over 21, whether or not I have a stamp on the top of my hand, and instead on the inside...i'll get a beer"
She had no rebuttal. I let in a deep sigh, "ok fine"
She was pretty, but above her head I put an invisible Red check mark. Not only was she probably taken by some boring hot dude, she got a Red check for "not cool, you're done, meanie face"
As I passed the stage onto the main floor, I continued my mental game of putting check marks above peoples heads. First I saw the young college girls, in their scene trendy clothes, thinking they were quickly looking at me but failing miserably, and with their faces scowling ... immediate red check for them all. Then I saw the band, young cute skinny, tight jean wearing, college boys...Green checks for "super rad peeps" Red check for "not going there, no way no how" and Yellow check for "I could..maybe hang with that one" as well as " been there done that could do that again...maybe?"
The rest of the night I played this game. Mostly Green Checks for "super rad peeps" and an exhausting amount of Red Checks "Not gonna go there" & "get over yourself" There were 3 Yellows, but no fluorescent beaming Green Checks that were like .. "whooooa, he's available, and mature, I could hang with him"
This is all too consistent. I'm getting the feeling I may need to move to where there are more people than young married people. Where are my "GONZOS?!" Where are my GREEN LIGHTS!!
****Gonzo is a term I use, when trying to explain, where are the creatures that are most alike in my ways:)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
FREAKING 30
Who doesn't every now and then "freak out" My definition of "freaking out" is when there is something that in the end will work itself out, but in the moment, we try and control/figure it out on our own, and when it doesn't go according to plan...we "freak out"
Current things I'm freaking out about:
1) Being almost 30 and still living with roommates
2) Being almost 30 and still being single, not so much being single..but will i have children?
3) Being almost 30 about to release an EP this summer and if it doesn't go well..then what
4)...almost being 30.
I mean really, 30 truly is the new Zero. Its the end of 30 years I "messed up", and the beginning of a fresh start of 30 more years to look forward to, conquer, and excel in. Its also a time to reflect...with no regrets (I say this with my fingers crossed behind my back) so what is next.. What could be next.
I drove home tonight from a friends house. We had an amazing crock pot dinner, and caught up on what was going on in our lives. She talked about her current boyfriend, I talked about my music...aka my current "boyfriend" We talked about how she "never thought she'd say," "he's so cute when" "it was so frustrating when we" and as much as I truly did enjoy her so happy, talking about her significant other, I kind of missed a REAL significant other for myself, and not just what I occupy my time with....and this is when I started to freak out.
I tried to talk about a guy I've been "hanging out" with..but by hangin out, I really mean making out. As I tried to tell her about it, I stopped myself and admitted it was more of a , whatever, kiss kiss, see ya later, situation. This guy and I always run into each other slightly inebriated, lonely, and if anything its become more of a game. We sneak off, make sure none of our friends know whats going on, but soon enough we'll be figured out and our whole game will be done, and true to most of my "good times" he'll end up meeting his one and only shortly after we're through.
You know how this all starts....freaking out..Me trying to control a situation. "I'm Lonely. I would love a true companion! Hey you, whats your name? You'll do"....continued freak out. "I'm going nuts. Hey there Whiskey. How bout you and I take a load off" ...wake up..continued freak out. Its time to chill. Take off the edge with a deep breath in. Say "hey!! Freak!! You can't control this..just conquer it by accepting what it is..You're 30, single, a musician, you have your health, love, working body parts...so far, you're doing pretty darn great for 30"
Whats great is, I'm NOT 30 yet.. I still have 8 more months. So here's to not "freaking out" and instead...moving forward. Here's to stopping mistakes before they happen. Here's to my EP being amazing and me not having to work retail ever again! Here's to 30 and FREAKING loving it!!
Who doesn't every now and then "freak out" My definition of "freaking out" is when there is something that in the end will work itself out, but in the moment, we try and control/figure it out on our own, and when it doesn't go according to plan...we "freak out"
Current things I'm freaking out about:
1) Being almost 30 and still living with roommates
2) Being almost 30 and still being single, not so much being single..but will i have children?
3) Being almost 30 about to release an EP this summer and if it doesn't go well..then what
4)...almost being 30.
I mean really, 30 truly is the new Zero. Its the end of 30 years I "messed up", and the beginning of a fresh start of 30 more years to look forward to, conquer, and excel in. Its also a time to reflect...with no regrets (I say this with my fingers crossed behind my back) so what is next.. What could be next.
I drove home tonight from a friends house. We had an amazing crock pot dinner, and caught up on what was going on in our lives. She talked about her current boyfriend, I talked about my music...aka my current "boyfriend" We talked about how she "never thought she'd say," "he's so cute when" "it was so frustrating when we" and as much as I truly did enjoy her so happy, talking about her significant other, I kind of missed a REAL significant other for myself, and not just what I occupy my time with....and this is when I started to freak out.
I tried to talk about a guy I've been "hanging out" with..but by hangin out, I really mean making out. As I tried to tell her about it, I stopped myself and admitted it was more of a , whatever, kiss kiss, see ya later, situation. This guy and I always run into each other slightly inebriated, lonely, and if anything its become more of a game. We sneak off, make sure none of our friends know whats going on, but soon enough we'll be figured out and our whole game will be done, and true to most of my "good times" he'll end up meeting his one and only shortly after we're through.
You know how this all starts....freaking out..Me trying to control a situation. "I'm Lonely. I would love a true companion! Hey you, whats your name? You'll do"....continued freak out. "I'm going nuts. Hey there Whiskey. How bout you and I take a load off" ...wake up..continued freak out. Its time to chill. Take off the edge with a deep breath in. Say "hey!! Freak!! You can't control this..just conquer it by accepting what it is..You're 30, single, a musician, you have your health, love, working body parts...so far, you're doing pretty darn great for 30"
Whats great is, I'm NOT 30 yet.. I still have 8 more months. So here's to not "freaking out" and instead...moving forward. Here's to stopping mistakes before they happen. Here's to my EP being amazing and me not having to work retail ever again! Here's to 30 and FREAKING loving it!!
Friday, January 20, 2012
LEFT OUT
I remember being a kid on the playground, always kind of hanging out by myself, and observing what other kids were doing, hoping some one would ask me to play. I never really got asked, I kind of just filtered myself into the game. I was usually the last to be picked, and the first one out. And if we were playing "house" I played the silent baby, but I didn't mind. As long as I was surrounded by people, I didn't mind.
By no means was I calm and collective. Inside I was bummed, but I accepted that I may not have been the most wanted or popular one there, but I went a long. I kept thinking, well maybe they'll get used to me. Maybe they'll warm up.
No matter what, I was still a happy kid, but as I got older, I noticed the girls were "blooming" a lot quicker than I was. Because I wasn't, I got teased, and excluded on a more dramatic level. I remember the girls all had a club, The "P" Club. I, of course, couldn't be apart of it for obvious reasons. I was excluded from conversations, and through this ended up hangin out with boys more than girls. Don't get me wrong..I wasn't a total dweeb. I went to Birthday parties, and sleepovers, and for the most part we all got a long really well! But there were those other moments, that I found myself being an outcast.
I remember one time, I had befriended this really strange girl. She was really quiet, and wasn't at our school for very long. She picked her nose and put it under her desk, she sucked her thumb, and she always sat in her chair like a frog with her underwear showing. Mind you...we were in the 6th grade. It was strange. But the cool thing about this girl was that she was sweet, she laughed at my jokes, she was independent, if anything she was just misunderstood.
We were getting ready for our annual 6th grade trip to Catalina Island, and it was time to pick tent roommates. I remember a few of my girlfriends cornered me by our lockers.
"Who are you going to room with?
"I haven't really decided yet, I guess who ever wants to room with me"
"Well, I think all the girls are paired up, but 'Booger Girl' is still available, but she's really weird, so we're going to try and figure out how you can not have to stay with her..cuz she's weird"
I remember feeling included, but I also felt wrong about their scheme. I decided to forgo their suggestion, and I ended up tent rooming with "Booger Girl" And whatya know... she was a little weird, and liked eating live spiders, but we got a long great, and it was a great trip:) Did the other girls befriend her? A few of them, but not all. Some of the girls still made comments, still stuck their noses up, still were insecure. I don't even think they realized why they didn't like this girl, just did, and it stuck, and they got mean.
What is still baffling to me, is the older I get, I still find myself in this 6th grade predicament. As I get older it becomes more cruel. People get more mean. Desperate Housewives show us that..and we all watch and we all criticize, but yet.. we may find ourselves doing the same thing we are criticizing.
At the ripe age of 29, I'm literally stuck in the same situation defending a friend "Did you hear what She did?" "No, What?" She stayed at 'his' house, and then was at some other guys house"..and...YOU haven't done something like that? "this town is small" ..again..AND.. why is it our business. When did People with feelings, became Inanimate Objects. I guess that's why its easy for some, to just leave them out.
I remember being a kid on the playground, always kind of hanging out by myself, and observing what other kids were doing, hoping some one would ask me to play. I never really got asked, I kind of just filtered myself into the game. I was usually the last to be picked, and the first one out. And if we were playing "house" I played the silent baby, but I didn't mind. As long as I was surrounded by people, I didn't mind.
By no means was I calm and collective. Inside I was bummed, but I accepted that I may not have been the most wanted or popular one there, but I went a long. I kept thinking, well maybe they'll get used to me. Maybe they'll warm up.
No matter what, I was still a happy kid, but as I got older, I noticed the girls were "blooming" a lot quicker than I was. Because I wasn't, I got teased, and excluded on a more dramatic level. I remember the girls all had a club, The "P" Club. I, of course, couldn't be apart of it for obvious reasons. I was excluded from conversations, and through this ended up hangin out with boys more than girls. Don't get me wrong..I wasn't a total dweeb. I went to Birthday parties, and sleepovers, and for the most part we all got a long really well! But there were those other moments, that I found myself being an outcast.
I remember one time, I had befriended this really strange girl. She was really quiet, and wasn't at our school for very long. She picked her nose and put it under her desk, she sucked her thumb, and she always sat in her chair like a frog with her underwear showing. Mind you...we were in the 6th grade. It was strange. But the cool thing about this girl was that she was sweet, she laughed at my jokes, she was independent, if anything she was just misunderstood.
We were getting ready for our annual 6th grade trip to Catalina Island, and it was time to pick tent roommates. I remember a few of my girlfriends cornered me by our lockers.
"Who are you going to room with?
"I haven't really decided yet, I guess who ever wants to room with me"
"Well, I think all the girls are paired up, but 'Booger Girl' is still available, but she's really weird, so we're going to try and figure out how you can not have to stay with her..cuz she's weird"
I remember feeling included, but I also felt wrong about their scheme. I decided to forgo their suggestion, and I ended up tent rooming with "Booger Girl" And whatya know... she was a little weird, and liked eating live spiders, but we got a long great, and it was a great trip:) Did the other girls befriend her? A few of them, but not all. Some of the girls still made comments, still stuck their noses up, still were insecure. I don't even think they realized why they didn't like this girl, just did, and it stuck, and they got mean.
What is still baffling to me, is the older I get, I still find myself in this 6th grade predicament. As I get older it becomes more cruel. People get more mean. Desperate Housewives show us that..and we all watch and we all criticize, but yet.. we may find ourselves doing the same thing we are criticizing.
At the ripe age of 29, I'm literally stuck in the same situation defending a friend "Did you hear what She did?" "No, What?" She stayed at 'his' house, and then was at some other guys house"..and...YOU haven't done something like that? "this town is small" ..again..AND.. why is it our business. When did People with feelings, became Inanimate Objects. I guess that's why its easy for some, to just leave them out.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Protect the Internet for Innovators!
Lately, I've found myself lost, looking for a place that currently in my life no longer exists. I remember High School, and days before cell phones. I remember being home and not wondering what my friends were doing at that exact moment..and then 5 minutes later, and another and another. Its not that I dislike how the internet has entirely and completely changed our lives. If anything I've found that, in some cases, have made my ties to friends closer. Its also made me a bit lazier. I used to have to actually flip through pages to find out what a word meant..now I just "google it"If anything the internet has helped me freely express myself through blogs such as this, MySpace: although that was "decades" ago, and Facebook. I've been able to keep creative by being able to sell items on Craigslist, as well as find things, and who doesn't love Wikipedia and Google.
Some of you may or may not know that there is a bill trying to be passed. I'm not going to go into it, because knowing myself, I'll probably explain it incorrectly or make it more confusing than it actually is. Follow this link and see what I'm talking about. While you're there...SIGN THE DARN THING!
Protect the Internet for Innovators
Serendipity... Its been happening to me my whole life. Maybe I should start writing those stories... One story in particular, goes a little something like this. I'm not going to give the whole thing away, because I do intend to make an entire blog about it.
I don't know if anyone else has had a long lasting crush, but I have. I've had a crush for almost 17 years. I'm probably starting to sound real crazy now. I was 11 he was 12:) He wanted to be a Fireman, I wanted to be an Actress/Singer/Dancer. He became a Musician...I became a Singer Songwriter, who occasionally dabbles in Acting and Singing.
As much as I would try and push him out of my head, he kept coming back both mentally, and physically. It wasn't until recently I wrote a few songs about him.. Ok, well I mean, I've written songs about him, but they always became country songs, which is another strange coincidence, but I won't get into that now.
To those who know me well, they know the infamous story of a tall, sweet, handsome gentleman who I like to call _____ _____ _____..love of my life. My friends know every serendipitous moment, every dramatic climax, the characters, the nicknames, so on and so forth. And with every re appearance of him, they look forward to the next part of the story, and then .... we all are left hanging as the story is never quite resolved. The "epic" tale started somewhat in jest, but internally of course I still had this strange ideal about him, and the story? The story is all true, with no fabrications. Theres just something about him, and I can't get it out of my head.
Anyhow, I was telling the story to someone, and with ears perked, this person suggested I watch a movie about 2 people who kept running into each other over a large span of years. Now this person, I told the story to, I don't even remember. To be honest I was most likely inebriated, and as I commonly do, was gabbing away about the serendipitous story of ___ ___ ___, love of my life.
What I do remember, because I wrote it in my notes in my iPhone, was that I needed to watch the movie she suggested. So I did, it was on Netflix, and at the very end of the movie...the VERY END of the movie...who do you think was singing during the last scene/credits... yep.. Love of My Life, is a big enough musician his music plays on soundtracks...ooh...whatever..but REALLY! REALLY!! I don't know how this happens, and it happens all the time. The mere fact that he's a musician drives me mad, because for one, I don't date musicians.. I won't date a musician...but because I know him so well, and knew him before the fame, and before he even considered playing music at all.. I knew him. I liked him. and I can say this without a blink of an eye...I loved him, and I still do.
This is not lust, no no no, I seriously can't even imagine doing anything more than holding his hand. I truly care and love him. I can't help but think there is a reason to all this, and that doesn't mean it ends in romance. For all I know it could end in an epic song that changes hearts for a long period of time, or maybe hes going to introduce me to the TRUE Love of My Life, but for now its all Serendipitous moments, and its sincerely bothering the poo out of me!
...I'm not going to lie though. I'm sure enjoying the story as it writes itself:)
I don't know if anyone else has had a long lasting crush, but I have. I've had a crush for almost 17 years. I'm probably starting to sound real crazy now. I was 11 he was 12:) He wanted to be a Fireman, I wanted to be an Actress/Singer/Dancer. He became a Musician...I became a Singer Songwriter, who occasionally dabbles in Acting and Singing.
As much as I would try and push him out of my head, he kept coming back both mentally, and physically. It wasn't until recently I wrote a few songs about him.. Ok, well I mean, I've written songs about him, but they always became country songs, which is another strange coincidence, but I won't get into that now.
To those who know me well, they know the infamous story of a tall, sweet, handsome gentleman who I like to call _____ _____ _____..love of my life. My friends know every serendipitous moment, every dramatic climax, the characters, the nicknames, so on and so forth. And with every re appearance of him, they look forward to the next part of the story, and then .... we all are left hanging as the story is never quite resolved. The "epic" tale started somewhat in jest, but internally of course I still had this strange ideal about him, and the story? The story is all true, with no fabrications. Theres just something about him, and I can't get it out of my head.
Anyhow, I was telling the story to someone, and with ears perked, this person suggested I watch a movie about 2 people who kept running into each other over a large span of years. Now this person, I told the story to, I don't even remember. To be honest I was most likely inebriated, and as I commonly do, was gabbing away about the serendipitous story of ___ ___ ___, love of my life.
What I do remember, because I wrote it in my notes in my iPhone, was that I needed to watch the movie she suggested. So I did, it was on Netflix, and at the very end of the movie...the VERY END of the movie...who do you think was singing during the last scene/credits... yep.. Love of My Life, is a big enough musician his music plays on soundtracks...ooh...whatever..but REALLY! REALLY!! I don't know how this happens, and it happens all the time. The mere fact that he's a musician drives me mad, because for one, I don't date musicians.. I won't date a musician...but because I know him so well, and knew him before the fame, and before he even considered playing music at all.. I knew him. I liked him. and I can say this without a blink of an eye...I loved him, and I still do.
This is not lust, no no no, I seriously can't even imagine doing anything more than holding his hand. I truly care and love him. I can't help but think there is a reason to all this, and that doesn't mean it ends in romance. For all I know it could end in an epic song that changes hearts for a long period of time, or maybe hes going to introduce me to the TRUE Love of My Life, but for now its all Serendipitous moments, and its sincerely bothering the poo out of me!
...I'm not going to lie though. I'm sure enjoying the story as it writes itself:)
There are 300 and some odd days left in this year, and so far here is what I've observed about resolutions....we still do them, and we still rarely keep them. I always enjoy the first month at a gym..its packed. The next week, its full. The following week, back to normal, ie no one is there at 9pm when I'm checking myself out in the mirror (oh don't worry..there's nothing really to look at)
As much as I don't want to start as the hypocrite in this situation, "that won't be me. I'm going to write every day" Truth is... I probably will fail just like those ambitious workout 2012ers, but hey, at least I try!!
Enough about me already setting myself up for failure. What I'm hoping is to be as raw as possible I'm wanting to tell whats going on with me, my friends, coworkers, and the eternal hustle of being a musician. For those who think its just a wand of the hand...watch out. I'm going to slap you.
Also, I can't help but share things..and people...like this for example.. lets just say.. I think this is hilarious..
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