Forgiven

I woke up today, relaxed.  I put on a dress and my "fancy heels" for work.  Working in retail as a stylist I can get away with wearing anything but i thought I'd spruce it up a bit.  I walked outside to find that it was a beautiful balmy 60 degrees out, yet again, and joyfully got in my car and headed to work.

As I sat in what the locals know as "hilsboro traffic" I for some reason started to reminisce on my days when I was on tour with one of our biggest pop stars.  To keep anonymity, I won't say..but lets just say this person is one of our biggest pop stars and it was a tour, I will never forget. I every now and again remember this one day I decided to stay back on one of our festival tours, so I could say goodbye to all the people I had met the past few months.  I remember right before our bus left i wasn't feeling well, and I considered getting back on my bus and heading to our next destination.  I missed our bus, and stayed back, and had a great time, but when I rejoined the group I was touring with, I felt out of place.  I could tell that I was about to be let go.

I pushed it to the side and finished my work. I went to the after party, and the next day went to the office.  I went to talk to my boss and ask if I could stay on the tour.  I didn't get a response. I really wanted to stay on the tour.  Little did I know a nasty rumor went around that I was touring with another band...it wasn't true.  I still think of this series of events and wish I had just left with my tour family instead of staying back.  I remember that night, and it was aweful.  I was sick, I found out the boy I was seeing on the tour, was totally over it, and I can't help but think, me not going with on the next tour date, is what made me lose my job.

On the upside, I remember this certain pop star told me one day, "I don't want you to be my bitch any more.  You have a lot of talent.  If you keep working for me, you'll always wonder what could have happened"  I suppose thats true.  Grass is always greener kind of thing, but I do wonder, and I do miss those days on that bus with those people. 

As my mind wandered around my regrets, and doubts, I continued to beat myself up.  Maybe all this time I was supposed to be acting, or teaching, or maybe just working behind the scenes.  How am I ever going to be where I'd like to be.  I'm too old to be a performer now, but Cheryl Crow was 30 before her big hit came out, and so on and so on and so on. 

As I walked the winding back passageways of the mall, I began to pray.  God, I just need someone to pray for me.  I need someone to pray with me, but who.  I don't have anyone like that any more.  At least I don't think I do. 

I entered my store, and clocked in.  I stepped on to the floor barely being able to breath.  I was giving myself anxiety.  I was hurting my head, my heart, every part of me wanted to run out of the store and cry.  What am I doing!! Where am I heading! What is all of this!!

My co worker,  looked at me and asked if I was alright.  I didn't want to show my anxiety, so i just giggled and laughed and said I was just feeling weird.  I knew that she was a believer, and thought "maybe she can pray with me"  I found out she was actually going to church that evening, and so...i went.

The worship was good, and the message was alright, but as I sat in that room and listened to his sermon on forgiveness, i realized,  I hadn't yet forgiven myself for things I did selfishly.  I was beating myself up, telling myself how wrong and horrible I was, because I hadn't forgiven myself.

Now I don't know about you, but its actually pretty hard to forgive yourself, especially when its hard to forget, and we go through all the shoulda coulda woulda's ,but for now, I'm going to try and forgive myself, and move forward.  for now, at least I'll try.

Today has had a few surprises for me, and it all started with a simple prayer of faith.  From asking for people to pray with, to asking what my purpose is, to seeking out forgiveness.  i'm really starting to see something forming, changing, molding. and as my mom would say "you can't see the wind, but you can always see its effects"