Purpose...

I grew up in the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 on Valentines day.  I was baptized again when I was about 21.  The second time I was baptized, I felt a huge burden lifted off of me.  I felt alive, free, unhinged, and I felt I had purpose.  I was baptized at midnight in the ocean by my friend who was a pastor.  Myself and 4 other people went out and asked to be free, to shed an old layer and put on a new one.   I want that again.

After I was baptized, I got a bit religious.  I offended some people, by what I had to say.  I realized later of course, and in finding out later, I also "fell away" as they say.  But I really don't feel like I've fallen that much.  I'm still very much a believer, and I have my own theologies on matters, but I wouldn't say I was a "Christian" At least not how typical society looks at Christians today.

I believe, a Christian is someone who follows Christ.  In following Christ he adheres to what He says, you obey.  I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior.  I believe that he died on a cross for my sins.  But as human as He's made me, I'm still a fool.  I haven't been obedient. But I know God still loves me as a fool.

So many times in the bible, are stories of God using the fool.  He doesn't use the "oh wisest and smartest of them all" He uses the meek, weak, anxiety ridden fools.  He also uses some patient ones, but for the most part..they are fools.  I feel like one of these fools and today, I took a step back, breathed in, and asked myself, "what do I feel is my purpose"

Growing up in the church you learn that the Christian's purpose is to tell of all Gods work, and in a way Harvest believers.  I believe some Christians have taken the idea of Gods purpose out of context.  They build mega churches which are more like theme parks, and attract people in like fools gold.  Hearts and stars, and fluff, filled with fun and enjoyable feel good things to do..but I really shouldn't judge.  I like shiny things, I'm recruited all the time by people. But still...I don't believe our only purpose is to count members, and live by good example.

My life of living on the "wild side" has showed me an amazing amount of characters.  A lot of people are more attracted by drama, because they/ we don't know where else our purpose is.  Some people feel like purpose in America is having a good job, marrying a good spouse, making tons of money and raising a family..that's nice I suppose. But I truly believe that God really does have a solid purpose for me, and each and everyone of us.

I came to Nashville to get away, and maybe be able to do my own thing and do my own music.  I'm starting to wonder if by taking it in my own hands I lost sight of my true purpose: to love, listen, and obey. Obey WHAT! you ask, Obey the little voice in my head that I know is not evil but that is good.  Obey the commandments not as a set of rules, but as really good morals to go by, that will protect me, my mind, heart and soul.  Obey the strength inside me and not the weakness.

And at the end of the day i'm still a fool.  Still drinking, and cussin, and kissin.  Still wondering if me writing and singing was a mistake.  Still taking in deep breaths when I think about my age vs. music.  Thinking maybe I should have stayed with acting, or maybe stayed behind the scenes.

The greatest joy of being a "Christian" was that I didn't worry, or have these questions in my head like a sound loop every day.  I wondered, I prayed, and God answered.  My purpose was to love, listen, and obey.