I woke up today, relaxed. I put on a dress and my "fancy heels" for work. Working in retail as a stylist I can get away with wearing anything but i thought I'd spruce it up a bit. I walked outside to find that it was a beautiful balmy 60 degrees out, yet again, and joyfully got in my car and headed to work.
As I sat in what the locals know as "hilsboro traffic" I for some reason started to reminisce on my days when I was on tour with one of our biggest pop stars. To keep anonymity, I won't say..but lets just say this person is one of our biggest pop stars and it was a tour, I will never forget. I every now and again remember this one day I decided to stay back on one of our festival tours, so I could say goodbye to all the people I had met the past few months. I remember right before our bus left i wasn't feeling well, and I considered getting back on my bus and heading to our next destination. I missed our bus, and stayed back, and had a great time, but when I rejoined the group I was touring with, I felt out of place. I could tell that I was about to be let go.
I pushed it to the side and finished my work. I went to the after party, and the next day went to the office. I went to talk to my boss and ask if I could stay on the tour. I didn't get a response. I really wanted to stay on the tour. Little did I know a nasty rumor went around that I was touring with another band...it wasn't true. I still think of this series of events and wish I had just left with my tour family instead of staying back. I remember that night, and it was aweful. I was sick, I found out the boy I was seeing on the tour, was totally over it, and I can't help but think, me not going with on the next tour date, is what made me lose my job.
On the upside, I remember this certain pop star told me one day, "I don't want you to be my bitch any more. You have a lot of talent. If you keep working for me, you'll always wonder what could have happened" I suppose thats true. Grass is always greener kind of thing, but I do wonder, and I do miss those days on that bus with those people.
As my mind wandered around my regrets, and doubts, I continued to beat myself up. Maybe all this time I was supposed to be acting, or teaching, or maybe just working behind the scenes. How am I ever going to be where I'd like to be. I'm too old to be a performer now, but Cheryl Crow was 30 before her big hit came out, and so on and so on and so on.
As I walked the winding back passageways of the mall, I began to pray. God, I just need someone to pray for me. I need someone to pray with me, but who. I don't have anyone like that any more. At least I don't think I do.
I entered my store, and clocked in. I stepped on to the floor barely being able to breath. I was giving myself anxiety. I was hurting my head, my heart, every part of me wanted to run out of the store and cry. What am I doing!! Where am I heading! What is all of this!!
My co worker, looked at me and asked if I was alright. I didn't want to show my anxiety, so i just giggled and laughed and said I was just feeling weird. I knew that she was a believer, and thought "maybe she can pray with me" I found out she was actually going to church that evening, and so...i went.
The worship was good, and the message was alright, but as I sat in that room and listened to his sermon on forgiveness, i realized, I hadn't yet forgiven myself for things I did selfishly. I was beating myself up, telling myself how wrong and horrible I was, because I hadn't forgiven myself.
Now I don't know about you, but its actually pretty hard to forgive yourself, especially when its hard to forget, and we go through all the shoulda coulda woulda's ,but for now, I'm going to try and forgive myself, and move forward. for now, at least I'll try.
Today has had a few surprises for me, and it all started with a simple prayer of faith. From asking for people to pray with, to asking what my purpose is, to seeking out forgiveness. i'm really starting to see something forming, changing, molding. and as my mom would say "you can't see the wind, but you can always see its effects"
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Purpose...
I grew up in the church. I was baptized when I was 13 on Valentines day. I was baptized again when I was about 21. The second time I was baptized, I felt a huge burden lifted off of me. I felt alive, free, unhinged, and I felt I had purpose. I was baptized at midnight in the ocean by my friend who was a pastor. Myself and 4 other people went out and asked to be free, to shed an old layer and put on a new one. I want that again.
After I was baptized, I got a bit religious. I offended some people, by what I had to say. I realized later of course, and in finding out later, I also "fell away" as they say. But I really don't feel like I've fallen that much. I'm still very much a believer, and I have my own theologies on matters, but I wouldn't say I was a "Christian" At least not how typical society looks at Christians today.
I believe, a Christian is someone who follows Christ. In following Christ he adheres to what He says, you obey. I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior. I believe that he died on a cross for my sins. But as human as He's made me, I'm still a fool. I haven't been obedient. But I know God still loves me as a fool.
So many times in the bible, are stories of God using the fool. He doesn't use the "oh wisest and smartest of them all" He uses the meek, weak, anxiety ridden fools. He also uses some patient ones, but for the most part..they are fools. I feel like one of these fools and today, I took a step back, breathed in, and asked myself, "what do I feel is my purpose"
Growing up in the church you learn that the Christian's purpose is to tell of all Gods work, and in a way Harvest believers. I believe some Christians have taken the idea of Gods purpose out of context. They build mega churches which are more like theme parks, and attract people in like fools gold. Hearts and stars, and fluff, filled with fun and enjoyable feel good things to do..but I really shouldn't judge. I like shiny things, I'm recruited all the time by people. But still...I don't believe our only purpose is to count members, and live by good example.
My life of living on the "wild side" has showed me an amazing amount of characters. A lot of people are more attracted by drama, because they/ we don't know where else our purpose is. Some people feel like purpose in America is having a good job, marrying a good spouse, making tons of money and raising a family..that's nice I suppose. But I truly believe that God really does have a solid purpose for me, and each and everyone of us.
I came to Nashville to get away, and maybe be able to do my own thing and do my own music. I'm starting to wonder if by taking it in my own hands I lost sight of my true purpose: to love, listen, and obey. Obey WHAT! you ask, Obey the little voice in my head that I know is not evil but that is good. Obey the commandments not as a set of rules, but as really good morals to go by, that will protect me, my mind, heart and soul. Obey the strength inside me and not the weakness.
And at the end of the day i'm still a fool. Still drinking, and cussin, and kissin. Still wondering if me writing and singing was a mistake. Still taking in deep breaths when I think about my age vs. music. Thinking maybe I should have stayed with acting, or maybe stayed behind the scenes.
The greatest joy of being a "Christian" was that I didn't worry, or have these questions in my head like a sound loop every day. I wondered, I prayed, and God answered. My purpose was to love, listen, and obey.
After I was baptized, I got a bit religious. I offended some people, by what I had to say. I realized later of course, and in finding out later, I also "fell away" as they say. But I really don't feel like I've fallen that much. I'm still very much a believer, and I have my own theologies on matters, but I wouldn't say I was a "Christian" At least not how typical society looks at Christians today.
I believe, a Christian is someone who follows Christ. In following Christ he adheres to what He says, you obey. I do believe Jesus Christ is my Savior. I believe that he died on a cross for my sins. But as human as He's made me, I'm still a fool. I haven't been obedient. But I know God still loves me as a fool.
So many times in the bible, are stories of God using the fool. He doesn't use the "oh wisest and smartest of them all" He uses the meek, weak, anxiety ridden fools. He also uses some patient ones, but for the most part..they are fools. I feel like one of these fools and today, I took a step back, breathed in, and asked myself, "what do I feel is my purpose"
Growing up in the church you learn that the Christian's purpose is to tell of all Gods work, and in a way Harvest believers. I believe some Christians have taken the idea of Gods purpose out of context. They build mega churches which are more like theme parks, and attract people in like fools gold. Hearts and stars, and fluff, filled with fun and enjoyable feel good things to do..but I really shouldn't judge. I like shiny things, I'm recruited all the time by people. But still...I don't believe our only purpose is to count members, and live by good example.
My life of living on the "wild side" has showed me an amazing amount of characters. A lot of people are more attracted by drama, because they/ we don't know where else our purpose is. Some people feel like purpose in America is having a good job, marrying a good spouse, making tons of money and raising a family..that's nice I suppose. But I truly believe that God really does have a solid purpose for me, and each and everyone of us.
I came to Nashville to get away, and maybe be able to do my own thing and do my own music. I'm starting to wonder if by taking it in my own hands I lost sight of my true purpose: to love, listen, and obey. Obey WHAT! you ask, Obey the little voice in my head that I know is not evil but that is good. Obey the commandments not as a set of rules, but as really good morals to go by, that will protect me, my mind, heart and soul. Obey the strength inside me and not the weakness.
And at the end of the day i'm still a fool. Still drinking, and cussin, and kissin. Still wondering if me writing and singing was a mistake. Still taking in deep breaths when I think about my age vs. music. Thinking maybe I should have stayed with acting, or maybe stayed behind the scenes.
The greatest joy of being a "Christian" was that I didn't worry, or have these questions in my head like a sound loop every day. I wondered, I prayed, and God answered. My purpose was to love, listen, and obey.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Not Dating
My room mate came home the other day, with an idea. " Lets not date till our birthdays" (ie. August) I looked at her confused, and asked "why?!" Her explanation was this. The only reason why her and I had felt this need to be with someone was because of the serotonin that is released when we are close with someone. Its a kind of high if you will.
She continued to tell me, that her friend "Pablo" had done the same thing when he was her young age of 23. He would go out and have a good time, and not really worry about long term. He was always looking, for lack of a better term, a void, to remedy a wound of a lover past. He realized that the only thing he was doing, was beating himself up by sleeping with these random people. He was trying to get the satisfaction of a companion, when in truth the companion he was with, had no true lasting meaning.
I started thinking about my "That One, " or the "One that got away without payback" then I recognized that after him, I was in a way, serial dating. I would have a "good time" with a few, and then like one of them, but they would hurt me so, then I was back to square one having a "good time". No matter what, I was always with someone.
Last night I had a really great night. I should probably share how great the night was with another post. But at the end of the night, I was not the girl, who finally got to kiss or make out with the boy she's been eyeing for months. No, I slept on the couch, to find out later this "victim" I had tried to make had actually been with someone else last night. I suddenly felt disgusting. why would I want to be just "another one of those" and why would I want a guy who would want that. I don't want to think that I may have lost out on a really great guy, because he heard I was "with" a few different people.
I don't know if I can not date till August, but a few weeks will do for starters. Lets just see if this works:)
She continued to tell me, that her friend "Pablo" had done the same thing when he was her young age of 23. He would go out and have a good time, and not really worry about long term. He was always looking, for lack of a better term, a void, to remedy a wound of a lover past. He realized that the only thing he was doing, was beating himself up by sleeping with these random people. He was trying to get the satisfaction of a companion, when in truth the companion he was with, had no true lasting meaning.
I started thinking about my "That One, " or the "One that got away without payback" then I recognized that after him, I was in a way, serial dating. I would have a "good time" with a few, and then like one of them, but they would hurt me so, then I was back to square one having a "good time". No matter what, I was always with someone.
Last night I had a really great night. I should probably share how great the night was with another post. But at the end of the night, I was not the girl, who finally got to kiss or make out with the boy she's been eyeing for months. No, I slept on the couch, to find out later this "victim" I had tried to make had actually been with someone else last night. I suddenly felt disgusting. why would I want to be just "another one of those" and why would I want a guy who would want that. I don't want to think that I may have lost out on a really great guy, because he heard I was "with" a few different people.
I don't know if I can not date till August, but a few weeks will do for starters. Lets just see if this works:)
Friday, January 27, 2012
For the Kids
10 minutes to midnight..keeping my commitment.
I'm running the Music City Half Marathon to raise money for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I hate running, but I am SO excited to be doing it for a good cause. there is also another benefit...getting fit and losing some weight!! Problem.....
the more I work out, the more I make excuses for eating more!!
After doing well by eating Miso Soup, and a small portion of Chicken Curry and Rice, I met up with some friends for a double pour Twisted Iced Tea, and on top of that, we ordered Nachos, buffalo wings, and Cheese sticks. All of which I ate a majority of. So what now. What now! You know what!! I'm going to gain more weight doing this marathon!! lets hope not. I guess I'll keep you posted and see how that goes........if anything.. its all for the Kids!
I'm running the Music City Half Marathon to raise money for St. Jude Children's Hospital. I hate running, but I am SO excited to be doing it for a good cause. there is also another benefit...getting fit and losing some weight!! Problem.....
the more I work out, the more I make excuses for eating more!!
After doing well by eating Miso Soup, and a small portion of Chicken Curry and Rice, I met up with some friends for a double pour Twisted Iced Tea, and on top of that, we ordered Nachos, buffalo wings, and Cheese sticks. All of which I ate a majority of. So what now. What now! You know what!! I'm going to gain more weight doing this marathon!! lets hope not. I guess I'll keep you posted and see how that goes........if anything.. its all for the Kids!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Rest? heh? whats that?
Get up
Work Out
Shower
Work
Meeting
Eat
Drink
Bed
Again........
Sound like you? You want a break? yeah me too.
Today I did the first 3. I didn't need to go into my day job. So I decided to "take the day off" The weather is beautiful for July. It feels like west coast weather...I mean seriously 60 degrees..in Nashville..in January..really?
So, in "taking a break", I came home took a shower, made a Kale salad, and joined my new roommate in the living room. She was watching the Departed, but instead of just sitting and enjoying, I grabbed my computer, and got straight to the emails. One email turns into 5 more websites 10 more papers to print out, and a new album a friend wants me to listen to. Before I know it, I've got 4 more meetings and if I don't take them.. I won't get the job.... or will I?
Other than keeping up with this blog..I'm seriously..taking a break....right after I file these papers.....
Work Out
Shower
Work
Meeting
Eat
Drink
Bed
Again........
Sound like you? You want a break? yeah me too.
Today I did the first 3. I didn't need to go into my day job. So I decided to "take the day off" The weather is beautiful for July. It feels like west coast weather...I mean seriously 60 degrees..in Nashville..in January..really?
So, in "taking a break", I came home took a shower, made a Kale salad, and joined my new roommate in the living room. She was watching the Departed, but instead of just sitting and enjoying, I grabbed my computer, and got straight to the emails. One email turns into 5 more websites 10 more papers to print out, and a new album a friend wants me to listen to. Before I know it, I've got 4 more meetings and if I don't take them.. I won't get the job.... or will I?
Other than keeping up with this blog..I'm seriously..taking a break....right after I file these papers.....
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Guilty as Charged... I'm a west coast gal
MINE
I grew up, spoiled with love. My parents were young, not yet married, and driven to build a life for their baby girl. Growing up, I felt like I had two sets of parents. My Grandparents, and my parents. I was the first born on my mom's side so there were no kids to play with till later, and my only other friend lived down the street, and we got a long well.
It wasn't until I was 12 years old, I found out I was having a sister....what..why?! HOw!? I enjoyed dressing her up, bossing her around, telling her to "go away" then to "come back" but I hated...sharing. who would've thought even with a 12 year difference, sharing would be difficult.
I didn't have a problem sharing toys, because I didn't really have any, or clothes, it was mainly attention, and comparing things she received, that I hadn't received when I was her age. Its tamed since then, but not by much. Its always hard paving the way for someone else, but at the same time, I enjoy watching her enjoy life differently then I had.
Since my realization of sharing, I tried to be "chill" and "laid back" about things. I let people borrow my clothes, or house appliances, my car, only to receive them back damaged, dirty, or misused. My sister and I, coming from the same blood, were brought up to give someone back their property, better than when it was borrowed in the first place. Unfortunately, a lot of other people didn't get that memo.
I still struggle with the "mine" complex. MY Clothes, MY cheese, MY hairpins. and now "MY" house that is not even mine... I'm renting.
I currently found out one of our roommates is moving out...tomorrow. She found a replacement, and told the girl she could move in, without asking me. I demanded I meet her first. Its giving me such anxiety, because now I"m going to have to share MY space!! MY space!!! I'm going to have to AGAIN! go through all the emotions of a new person moving in, why are they moving in, what do they really want, who do they want to use me for, do they want to use me? ... and then I go through the remorse "get over yourself, you spoiled brat, its going to be fine, chill out"
The truth is....none of it is mine...
It wasn't until I was 12 years old, I found out I was having a sister....what..why?! HOw!? I enjoyed dressing her up, bossing her around, telling her to "go away" then to "come back" but I hated...sharing. who would've thought even with a 12 year difference, sharing would be difficult.
I didn't have a problem sharing toys, because I didn't really have any, or clothes, it was mainly attention, and comparing things she received, that I hadn't received when I was her age. Its tamed since then, but not by much. Its always hard paving the way for someone else, but at the same time, I enjoy watching her enjoy life differently then I had.
Since my realization of sharing, I tried to be "chill" and "laid back" about things. I let people borrow my clothes, or house appliances, my car, only to receive them back damaged, dirty, or misused. My sister and I, coming from the same blood, were brought up to give someone back their property, better than when it was borrowed in the first place. Unfortunately, a lot of other people didn't get that memo.
I still struggle with the "mine" complex. MY Clothes, MY cheese, MY hairpins. and now "MY" house that is not even mine... I'm renting.
I currently found out one of our roommates is moving out...tomorrow. She found a replacement, and told the girl she could move in, without asking me. I demanded I meet her first. Its giving me such anxiety, because now I"m going to have to share MY space!! MY space!!! I'm going to have to AGAIN! go through all the emotions of a new person moving in, why are they moving in, what do they really want, who do they want to use me for, do they want to use me? ... and then I go through the remorse "get over yourself, you spoiled brat, its going to be fine, chill out"
The truth is....none of it is mine...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Red Light Green Light
I've never been to a Red Light Green Light party, but I've always wanted to.
For those who are unfamiliar with this themed party, its where the individuals who are taken, wear Red shirts. And the individuals who are not taken...single..me, wear Green shirts. Yellow...is NOT allowed, but I'm sure some sneak in there. Its a fun idea, but when I think of having a party like this in the south..I have a strange feeling I'd be one of the rare Green shirts, looking around noticing, most of the Red Shirts, are under the age of 25, with at least 1-2 children. I kind of digested this idea tonight in my head while at a show, and by the end of the night, found myself in a Bright Green Shirt...alone.
I got to the venue, and confidently said "My Name"
The scenester door girl replied "$5)
I looked at her without a blink said "My Name" again.
I then stared her in the eyes, and looked at the paper.
with her lower lip hanging down, here eyes still glaring at me, she picked up her stamp to stamp my hand.
Now, I hate having stamps on the top of my hands. The top of your hands should be for 'X' marks, when you're under aged. Your inner wrist is where stamps belong. That way, as an adult, you don't walk into work with smears on your forehead, or the stamps ink still showing the next day, but barely, still revealing your previous nights shenanigans.
I turned my wrist over, and she said, "other side"
I said, "thats annoying, can you just stamp it on the inside"
"well you won't get any beer"
"ummm...I'm horribly over 21, whether or not I have a stamp on the top of my hand, and instead on the inside...i'll get a beer"
She had no rebuttal. I let in a deep sigh, "ok fine"
She was pretty, but above her head I put an invisible Red check mark. Not only was she probably taken by some boring hot dude, she got a Red check for "not cool, you're done, meanie face"
As I passed the stage onto the main floor, I continued my mental game of putting check marks above peoples heads. First I saw the young college girls, in their scene trendy clothes, thinking they were quickly looking at me but failing miserably, and with their faces scowling ... immediate red check for them all. Then I saw the band, young cute skinny, tight jean wearing, college boys...Green checks for "super rad peeps" Red check for "not going there, no way no how" and Yellow check for "I could..maybe hang with that one" as well as " been there done that could do that again...maybe?"
The rest of the night I played this game. Mostly Green Checks for "super rad peeps" and an exhausting amount of Red Checks "Not gonna go there" & "get over yourself" There were 3 Yellows, but no fluorescent beaming Green Checks that were like .. "whooooa, he's available, and mature, I could hang with him"
This is all too consistent. I'm getting the feeling I may need to move to where there are more people than young married people. Where are my "GONZOS?!" Where are my GREEN LIGHTS!!
****Gonzo is a term I use, when trying to explain, where are the creatures that are most alike in my ways:)
For those who are unfamiliar with this themed party, its where the individuals who are taken, wear Red shirts. And the individuals who are not taken...single..me, wear Green shirts. Yellow...is NOT allowed, but I'm sure some sneak in there. Its a fun idea, but when I think of having a party like this in the south..I have a strange feeling I'd be one of the rare Green shirts, looking around noticing, most of the Red Shirts, are under the age of 25, with at least 1-2 children. I kind of digested this idea tonight in my head while at a show, and by the end of the night, found myself in a Bright Green Shirt...alone.
I got to the venue, and confidently said "My Name"
The scenester door girl replied "$5)
I looked at her without a blink said "My Name" again.
I then stared her in the eyes, and looked at the paper.
with her lower lip hanging down, here eyes still glaring at me, she picked up her stamp to stamp my hand.
Now, I hate having stamps on the top of my hands. The top of your hands should be for 'X' marks, when you're under aged. Your inner wrist is where stamps belong. That way, as an adult, you don't walk into work with smears on your forehead, or the stamps ink still showing the next day, but barely, still revealing your previous nights shenanigans.
I turned my wrist over, and she said, "other side"
I said, "thats annoying, can you just stamp it on the inside"
"well you won't get any beer"
"ummm...I'm horribly over 21, whether or not I have a stamp on the top of my hand, and instead on the inside...i'll get a beer"
She had no rebuttal. I let in a deep sigh, "ok fine"
She was pretty, but above her head I put an invisible Red check mark. Not only was she probably taken by some boring hot dude, she got a Red check for "not cool, you're done, meanie face"
As I passed the stage onto the main floor, I continued my mental game of putting check marks above peoples heads. First I saw the young college girls, in their scene trendy clothes, thinking they were quickly looking at me but failing miserably, and with their faces scowling ... immediate red check for them all. Then I saw the band, young cute skinny, tight jean wearing, college boys...Green checks for "super rad peeps" Red check for "not going there, no way no how" and Yellow check for "I could..maybe hang with that one" as well as " been there done that could do that again...maybe?"
The rest of the night I played this game. Mostly Green Checks for "super rad peeps" and an exhausting amount of Red Checks "Not gonna go there" & "get over yourself" There were 3 Yellows, but no fluorescent beaming Green Checks that were like .. "whooooa, he's available, and mature, I could hang with him"
This is all too consistent. I'm getting the feeling I may need to move to where there are more people than young married people. Where are my "GONZOS?!" Where are my GREEN LIGHTS!!
****Gonzo is a term I use, when trying to explain, where are the creatures that are most alike in my ways:)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
FREAKING 30
Who doesn't every now and then "freak out" My definition of "freaking out" is when there is something that in the end will work itself out, but in the moment, we try and control/figure it out on our own, and when it doesn't go according to plan...we "freak out"
Current things I'm freaking out about:
1) Being almost 30 and still living with roommates
2) Being almost 30 and still being single, not so much being single..but will i have children?
3) Being almost 30 about to release an EP this summer and if it doesn't go well..then what
4)...almost being 30.
I mean really, 30 truly is the new Zero. Its the end of 30 years I "messed up", and the beginning of a fresh start of 30 more years to look forward to, conquer, and excel in. Its also a time to reflect...with no regrets (I say this with my fingers crossed behind my back) so what is next.. What could be next.
I drove home tonight from a friends house. We had an amazing crock pot dinner, and caught up on what was going on in our lives. She talked about her current boyfriend, I talked about my music...aka my current "boyfriend" We talked about how she "never thought she'd say," "he's so cute when" "it was so frustrating when we" and as much as I truly did enjoy her so happy, talking about her significant other, I kind of missed a REAL significant other for myself, and not just what I occupy my time with....and this is when I started to freak out.
I tried to talk about a guy I've been "hanging out" with..but by hangin out, I really mean making out. As I tried to tell her about it, I stopped myself and admitted it was more of a , whatever, kiss kiss, see ya later, situation. This guy and I always run into each other slightly inebriated, lonely, and if anything its become more of a game. We sneak off, make sure none of our friends know whats going on, but soon enough we'll be figured out and our whole game will be done, and true to most of my "good times" he'll end up meeting his one and only shortly after we're through.
You know how this all starts....freaking out..Me trying to control a situation. "I'm Lonely. I would love a true companion! Hey you, whats your name? You'll do"....continued freak out. "I'm going nuts. Hey there Whiskey. How bout you and I take a load off" ...wake up..continued freak out. Its time to chill. Take off the edge with a deep breath in. Say "hey!! Freak!! You can't control this..just conquer it by accepting what it is..You're 30, single, a musician, you have your health, love, working body parts...so far, you're doing pretty darn great for 30"
Whats great is, I'm NOT 30 yet.. I still have 8 more months. So here's to not "freaking out" and instead...moving forward. Here's to stopping mistakes before they happen. Here's to my EP being amazing and me not having to work retail ever again! Here's to 30 and FREAKING loving it!!
Who doesn't every now and then "freak out" My definition of "freaking out" is when there is something that in the end will work itself out, but in the moment, we try and control/figure it out on our own, and when it doesn't go according to plan...we "freak out"
Current things I'm freaking out about:
1) Being almost 30 and still living with roommates
2) Being almost 30 and still being single, not so much being single..but will i have children?
3) Being almost 30 about to release an EP this summer and if it doesn't go well..then what
4)...almost being 30.
I mean really, 30 truly is the new Zero. Its the end of 30 years I "messed up", and the beginning of a fresh start of 30 more years to look forward to, conquer, and excel in. Its also a time to reflect...with no regrets (I say this with my fingers crossed behind my back) so what is next.. What could be next.
I drove home tonight from a friends house. We had an amazing crock pot dinner, and caught up on what was going on in our lives. She talked about her current boyfriend, I talked about my music...aka my current "boyfriend" We talked about how she "never thought she'd say," "he's so cute when" "it was so frustrating when we" and as much as I truly did enjoy her so happy, talking about her significant other, I kind of missed a REAL significant other for myself, and not just what I occupy my time with....and this is when I started to freak out.
I tried to talk about a guy I've been "hanging out" with..but by hangin out, I really mean making out. As I tried to tell her about it, I stopped myself and admitted it was more of a , whatever, kiss kiss, see ya later, situation. This guy and I always run into each other slightly inebriated, lonely, and if anything its become more of a game. We sneak off, make sure none of our friends know whats going on, but soon enough we'll be figured out and our whole game will be done, and true to most of my "good times" he'll end up meeting his one and only shortly after we're through.
You know how this all starts....freaking out..Me trying to control a situation. "I'm Lonely. I would love a true companion! Hey you, whats your name? You'll do"....continued freak out. "I'm going nuts. Hey there Whiskey. How bout you and I take a load off" ...wake up..continued freak out. Its time to chill. Take off the edge with a deep breath in. Say "hey!! Freak!! You can't control this..just conquer it by accepting what it is..You're 30, single, a musician, you have your health, love, working body parts...so far, you're doing pretty darn great for 30"
Whats great is, I'm NOT 30 yet.. I still have 8 more months. So here's to not "freaking out" and instead...moving forward. Here's to stopping mistakes before they happen. Here's to my EP being amazing and me not having to work retail ever again! Here's to 30 and FREAKING loving it!!
Friday, January 20, 2012
LEFT OUT
I remember being a kid on the playground, always kind of hanging out by myself, and observing what other kids were doing, hoping some one would ask me to play. I never really got asked, I kind of just filtered myself into the game. I was usually the last to be picked, and the first one out. And if we were playing "house" I played the silent baby, but I didn't mind. As long as I was surrounded by people, I didn't mind.
By no means was I calm and collective. Inside I was bummed, but I accepted that I may not have been the most wanted or popular one there, but I went a long. I kept thinking, well maybe they'll get used to me. Maybe they'll warm up.
No matter what, I was still a happy kid, but as I got older, I noticed the girls were "blooming" a lot quicker than I was. Because I wasn't, I got teased, and excluded on a more dramatic level. I remember the girls all had a club, The "P" Club. I, of course, couldn't be apart of it for obvious reasons. I was excluded from conversations, and through this ended up hangin out with boys more than girls. Don't get me wrong..I wasn't a total dweeb. I went to Birthday parties, and sleepovers, and for the most part we all got a long really well! But there were those other moments, that I found myself being an outcast.
I remember one time, I had befriended this really strange girl. She was really quiet, and wasn't at our school for very long. She picked her nose and put it under her desk, she sucked her thumb, and she always sat in her chair like a frog with her underwear showing. Mind you...we were in the 6th grade. It was strange. But the cool thing about this girl was that she was sweet, she laughed at my jokes, she was independent, if anything she was just misunderstood.
We were getting ready for our annual 6th grade trip to Catalina Island, and it was time to pick tent roommates. I remember a few of my girlfriends cornered me by our lockers.
"Who are you going to room with?
"I haven't really decided yet, I guess who ever wants to room with me"
"Well, I think all the girls are paired up, but 'Booger Girl' is still available, but she's really weird, so we're going to try and figure out how you can not have to stay with her..cuz she's weird"
I remember feeling included, but I also felt wrong about their scheme. I decided to forgo their suggestion, and I ended up tent rooming with "Booger Girl" And whatya know... she was a little weird, and liked eating live spiders, but we got a long great, and it was a great trip:) Did the other girls befriend her? A few of them, but not all. Some of the girls still made comments, still stuck their noses up, still were insecure. I don't even think they realized why they didn't like this girl, just did, and it stuck, and they got mean.
What is still baffling to me, is the older I get, I still find myself in this 6th grade predicament. As I get older it becomes more cruel. People get more mean. Desperate Housewives show us that..and we all watch and we all criticize, but yet.. we may find ourselves doing the same thing we are criticizing.
At the ripe age of 29, I'm literally stuck in the same situation defending a friend "Did you hear what She did?" "No, What?" She stayed at 'his' house, and then was at some other guys house"..and...YOU haven't done something like that? "this town is small" ..again..AND.. why is it our business. When did People with feelings, became Inanimate Objects. I guess that's why its easy for some, to just leave them out.
I remember being a kid on the playground, always kind of hanging out by myself, and observing what other kids were doing, hoping some one would ask me to play. I never really got asked, I kind of just filtered myself into the game. I was usually the last to be picked, and the first one out. And if we were playing "house" I played the silent baby, but I didn't mind. As long as I was surrounded by people, I didn't mind.
By no means was I calm and collective. Inside I was bummed, but I accepted that I may not have been the most wanted or popular one there, but I went a long. I kept thinking, well maybe they'll get used to me. Maybe they'll warm up.
No matter what, I was still a happy kid, but as I got older, I noticed the girls were "blooming" a lot quicker than I was. Because I wasn't, I got teased, and excluded on a more dramatic level. I remember the girls all had a club, The "P" Club. I, of course, couldn't be apart of it for obvious reasons. I was excluded from conversations, and through this ended up hangin out with boys more than girls. Don't get me wrong..I wasn't a total dweeb. I went to Birthday parties, and sleepovers, and for the most part we all got a long really well! But there were those other moments, that I found myself being an outcast.
I remember one time, I had befriended this really strange girl. She was really quiet, and wasn't at our school for very long. She picked her nose and put it under her desk, she sucked her thumb, and she always sat in her chair like a frog with her underwear showing. Mind you...we were in the 6th grade. It was strange. But the cool thing about this girl was that she was sweet, she laughed at my jokes, she was independent, if anything she was just misunderstood.
We were getting ready for our annual 6th grade trip to Catalina Island, and it was time to pick tent roommates. I remember a few of my girlfriends cornered me by our lockers.
"Who are you going to room with?
"I haven't really decided yet, I guess who ever wants to room with me"
"Well, I think all the girls are paired up, but 'Booger Girl' is still available, but she's really weird, so we're going to try and figure out how you can not have to stay with her..cuz she's weird"
I remember feeling included, but I also felt wrong about their scheme. I decided to forgo their suggestion, and I ended up tent rooming with "Booger Girl" And whatya know... she was a little weird, and liked eating live spiders, but we got a long great, and it was a great trip:) Did the other girls befriend her? A few of them, but not all. Some of the girls still made comments, still stuck their noses up, still were insecure. I don't even think they realized why they didn't like this girl, just did, and it stuck, and they got mean.
What is still baffling to me, is the older I get, I still find myself in this 6th grade predicament. As I get older it becomes more cruel. People get more mean. Desperate Housewives show us that..and we all watch and we all criticize, but yet.. we may find ourselves doing the same thing we are criticizing.
At the ripe age of 29, I'm literally stuck in the same situation defending a friend "Did you hear what She did?" "No, What?" She stayed at 'his' house, and then was at some other guys house"..and...YOU haven't done something like that? "this town is small" ..again..AND.. why is it our business. When did People with feelings, became Inanimate Objects. I guess that's why its easy for some, to just leave them out.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Protect the Internet for Innovators!
Lately, I've found myself lost, looking for a place that currently in my life no longer exists. I remember High School, and days before cell phones. I remember being home and not wondering what my friends were doing at that exact moment..and then 5 minutes later, and another and another. Its not that I dislike how the internet has entirely and completely changed our lives. If anything I've found that, in some cases, have made my ties to friends closer. Its also made me a bit lazier. I used to have to actually flip through pages to find out what a word meant..now I just "google it"If anything the internet has helped me freely express myself through blogs such as this, MySpace: although that was "decades" ago, and Facebook. I've been able to keep creative by being able to sell items on Craigslist, as well as find things, and who doesn't love Wikipedia and Google.
Some of you may or may not know that there is a bill trying to be passed. I'm not going to go into it, because knowing myself, I'll probably explain it incorrectly or make it more confusing than it actually is. Follow this link and see what I'm talking about. While you're there...SIGN THE DARN THING!
Protect the Internet for Innovators
Serendipity... Its been happening to me my whole life. Maybe I should start writing those stories... One story in particular, goes a little something like this. I'm not going to give the whole thing away, because I do intend to make an entire blog about it.
I don't know if anyone else has had a long lasting crush, but I have. I've had a crush for almost 17 years. I'm probably starting to sound real crazy now. I was 11 he was 12:) He wanted to be a Fireman, I wanted to be an Actress/Singer/Dancer. He became a Musician...I became a Singer Songwriter, who occasionally dabbles in Acting and Singing.
As much as I would try and push him out of my head, he kept coming back both mentally, and physically. It wasn't until recently I wrote a few songs about him.. Ok, well I mean, I've written songs about him, but they always became country songs, which is another strange coincidence, but I won't get into that now.
To those who know me well, they know the infamous story of a tall, sweet, handsome gentleman who I like to call _____ _____ _____..love of my life. My friends know every serendipitous moment, every dramatic climax, the characters, the nicknames, so on and so forth. And with every re appearance of him, they look forward to the next part of the story, and then .... we all are left hanging as the story is never quite resolved. The "epic" tale started somewhat in jest, but internally of course I still had this strange ideal about him, and the story? The story is all true, with no fabrications. Theres just something about him, and I can't get it out of my head.
Anyhow, I was telling the story to someone, and with ears perked, this person suggested I watch a movie about 2 people who kept running into each other over a large span of years. Now this person, I told the story to, I don't even remember. To be honest I was most likely inebriated, and as I commonly do, was gabbing away about the serendipitous story of ___ ___ ___, love of my life.
What I do remember, because I wrote it in my notes in my iPhone, was that I needed to watch the movie she suggested. So I did, it was on Netflix, and at the very end of the movie...the VERY END of the movie...who do you think was singing during the last scene/credits... yep.. Love of My Life, is a big enough musician his music plays on soundtracks...ooh...whatever..but REALLY! REALLY!! I don't know how this happens, and it happens all the time. The mere fact that he's a musician drives me mad, because for one, I don't date musicians.. I won't date a musician...but because I know him so well, and knew him before the fame, and before he even considered playing music at all.. I knew him. I liked him. and I can say this without a blink of an eye...I loved him, and I still do.
This is not lust, no no no, I seriously can't even imagine doing anything more than holding his hand. I truly care and love him. I can't help but think there is a reason to all this, and that doesn't mean it ends in romance. For all I know it could end in an epic song that changes hearts for a long period of time, or maybe hes going to introduce me to the TRUE Love of My Life, but for now its all Serendipitous moments, and its sincerely bothering the poo out of me!
...I'm not going to lie though. I'm sure enjoying the story as it writes itself:)
I don't know if anyone else has had a long lasting crush, but I have. I've had a crush for almost 17 years. I'm probably starting to sound real crazy now. I was 11 he was 12:) He wanted to be a Fireman, I wanted to be an Actress/Singer/Dancer. He became a Musician...I became a Singer Songwriter, who occasionally dabbles in Acting and Singing.
As much as I would try and push him out of my head, he kept coming back both mentally, and physically. It wasn't until recently I wrote a few songs about him.. Ok, well I mean, I've written songs about him, but they always became country songs, which is another strange coincidence, but I won't get into that now.
To those who know me well, they know the infamous story of a tall, sweet, handsome gentleman who I like to call _____ _____ _____..love of my life. My friends know every serendipitous moment, every dramatic climax, the characters, the nicknames, so on and so forth. And with every re appearance of him, they look forward to the next part of the story, and then .... we all are left hanging as the story is never quite resolved. The "epic" tale started somewhat in jest, but internally of course I still had this strange ideal about him, and the story? The story is all true, with no fabrications. Theres just something about him, and I can't get it out of my head.
Anyhow, I was telling the story to someone, and with ears perked, this person suggested I watch a movie about 2 people who kept running into each other over a large span of years. Now this person, I told the story to, I don't even remember. To be honest I was most likely inebriated, and as I commonly do, was gabbing away about the serendipitous story of ___ ___ ___, love of my life.
What I do remember, because I wrote it in my notes in my iPhone, was that I needed to watch the movie she suggested. So I did, it was on Netflix, and at the very end of the movie...the VERY END of the movie...who do you think was singing during the last scene/credits... yep.. Love of My Life, is a big enough musician his music plays on soundtracks...ooh...whatever..but REALLY! REALLY!! I don't know how this happens, and it happens all the time. The mere fact that he's a musician drives me mad, because for one, I don't date musicians.. I won't date a musician...but because I know him so well, and knew him before the fame, and before he even considered playing music at all.. I knew him. I liked him. and I can say this without a blink of an eye...I loved him, and I still do.
This is not lust, no no no, I seriously can't even imagine doing anything more than holding his hand. I truly care and love him. I can't help but think there is a reason to all this, and that doesn't mean it ends in romance. For all I know it could end in an epic song that changes hearts for a long period of time, or maybe hes going to introduce me to the TRUE Love of My Life, but for now its all Serendipitous moments, and its sincerely bothering the poo out of me!
...I'm not going to lie though. I'm sure enjoying the story as it writes itself:)
There are 300 and some odd days left in this year, and so far here is what I've observed about resolutions....we still do them, and we still rarely keep them. I always enjoy the first month at a gym..its packed. The next week, its full. The following week, back to normal, ie no one is there at 9pm when I'm checking myself out in the mirror (oh don't worry..there's nothing really to look at)
As much as I don't want to start as the hypocrite in this situation, "that won't be me. I'm going to write every day" Truth is... I probably will fail just like those ambitious workout 2012ers, but hey, at least I try!!
Enough about me already setting myself up for failure. What I'm hoping is to be as raw as possible I'm wanting to tell whats going on with me, my friends, coworkers, and the eternal hustle of being a musician. For those who think its just a wand of the hand...watch out. I'm going to slap you.
Also, I can't help but share things..and people...like this for example.. lets just say.. I think this is hilarious..
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