She back with a broken heart

Yep! knew it! called it! not good at this!! Haven't written since when? yeesh! oh well, no one is really listening any way right.

I'm depressed...depressed? upset. angry? all of the above.  surprised

Its been awhile since I've "been with anyone" and I had a few fun surprises earlier this week.  Problem with both... they still have feelings for other people.  I wasn't aware of course until after we ... well, you know.  Why is that? ok, i know why.  Selfishness. get what you want than apologize later;/  what I didn't realize is...I think i'm actually ready for a relationship, at least with one of them (wow i sound like a floozy).  All this time I could handle being in a "fun/good time relationship" , but truly, I wasn't. All the step back laughs of "having a good time" seem pointless to me now.  I want something long lasting.

My heart seems to be going through a vice of "shot gun memories" ecstasy to sorrow.  Today I feel like I was broken up with.  My day of "work out, work on EP stats, clean room" has become "lay in bed, watch tv, eat, nap, call him" and when I called i froze up. 

I used to be the one on top, controlling our friendship, and now that we've been intimate, all i can think about is the safety i felt when I was laying in his arms.  how he kissed my neck and asked if I was ok. how all night he wouldn't let me go.  I want that, but.... its not in my cards.  I seem to find the boys attracted to me, ready to pursue me for what they want.  a night of comfort.  But in that night of comfort, they miss the comfort of another's arms. And I am left to shut off my heart, my emotions, and move on

Its bothering me to say this.  It hurts to admit, but when i met this person years ago, I had feelings. I put them aside for someone else.  As the years of our friendship progressed and I met his girlfriends, I would get jealous.  was it because I wanted to be with him? was it because he wasn't pursuing me anymore, and all the things that bother me about him, are they really worth all this wondering if our paths will cross again.  Will this work out? Could it? Does he even wonder, or did I get what I asked for years ago.  Distance, unemotional intamcy. 

do i miss him? or do I miss the idea.   I think a bit of both.  Gotta get up and out of these thoughts. too much to do.  Too much to go forward with.  Strange to have these feelings after so long being dead to them.  how did I let my heart get here.  when did that happen?! So frustrating!!!

I'm bored...

I just had a writing session with a friend who was complaining about why he wasn't "there" His there was a  place of success, recognition, fame, as well as being able to not work in a store.   So while he was complaining , i'm still waiting with paper and pen, ready to write what I hoped would be a summer sensation.  but nothing came of our writing session unfortunately.  I really shouldn't say nothing, because something did come of it.  My realization.  I'm just bored.

the only reason why I do what I do, is because I don't want to be bored.  I like to write, but i like to paint, I like to hang with friends, shop, and yeah, sometimes I like to work at my work place and deal with crazy customers.  But for the most part... i'm bored.  and annoyed. 

As I empathized with my friend about not being "there" he began to "sympathize" for me as I told him my many woes of who  I knew and how I knew them, and what i've done and why I haven't yet done anything "big" it got depressing...and now i'm bored.

I don't know how to keep up with something on the daily...maybe meds would help but honestly, I just need to find a new form of motivation.  I need to decide whether or not I stay here another year, or go back to CA.  I have to make some big decisions...i'm nervous..but for now, I'm bored.

Hunger Games...I've been caught

First there was Harry Potter, than Twilight, and now, Hunger Games.  I didn't jump on the bandwagon of the other two, but somehow I got caught in the trap.  I've never been much of a reader, however recently, with as much traveling I've been doing, I've enjoyed a good book.  I don't have to wait till I'm in flight, I don't have to worry about the battery dieing, and I'm never asked to stop reading even while landing. I guess you could say, in some ways, its given me the control that technologies have somehow taken away.  This book, this story, this adventure, well....there was no putting it down.  Had it been on a kindle, I may have been arrested for resisting to "power down"

I had decided to purchase the book on a unsuspected trip to Walmart.  The wait for my busted tire was expected to take an hour, so rather than wait in a small room, I hopped the fence to the closest form of entertainment I could find; Walmart.  I walked the aisles and began piling my cart with unnecessary items.  Socks, a food processor, two bottles of shampoo, and at the checkout stand, Hunger Games.  There, it looked at me with its black cover and delicate gold bird.  Even the cover looked intriguing, and for the low price of $6.50, I grabbed it.

I walked back to my car, paid for my busted tire, and had to proceed with my day.  There would be no cracking the pages tonight.  It laid on my floor near my backpack, piled with the other items I had put aside in packing for my trip to Austin.  As I laid in bed, it kept staring at me.  It felt like Jumanji, thrilling, but scary.  What was in this book that was driving people mad!! All my associates at work were raving about it.  They would talk about the characters, in which I originally suspected were real people, until I was told that in fact they were just talking about Hunger Games.  I was hearing of book clubs, and fan pages, websites, and by now I'm sure Halloween Costumes.  It was time to find out what was up.

All packed and ready to go I headed to the airport.  After I passed security, I immediately whipped it out of my satchel, and began reading.  At first I was confused.  I was trapped in the past, but in the present, and in the future..this was a sci-fi ish book..oh no.. I never do well with these.  As I continued to read on I began to attach myself to the characters, their emotions, their families, their historys.  My mind as it does was trying to figure it out.  What was this in comparison to? Probably something political (i'm aweful at politics) maybe a time in the past (history? i can remember sooome facts) or maybe this was just something fantastical, and I should just enjoy it.

I'll be honest..i'm only half way through . I plan to read the rest tonight and tomorrow and watch the film on Monday.  At this point, I've come to a few interesting observations.  My main observation was this.  In the increase of Reality shows, we have seen a dieing, a sacrifice of true art.  I'm not saying war is an art, but we have certain individuals, being chosen (whether we like it or not) to be made into something, they are not ready for (ie Jersey Shore, American Idol, Housewives of...) Now of course this seems far fetched.  The examples I listed are people who subjected themselves to a show and then we made them something.. but the key is ...we the people made them something.  We made their importance..imagine if we somehow couldn't / didn't.  Would actors, get to be actors?  Would that art grow? .... I still have some thinking to do on this idea.

The other observation, although maybe obvious, I thought it was fascinating, how quickly and how popular something like a book can become based on character relationship.  Not just any character relationship, life or death relationship.  We as the reader are interested and curious on who is going to die, who is going to live.  Are there any "bad guys" in this book?  Are we in fact the "bad guy" by passing biased judgement on these characters.  We are hooked to find out who dies! We secretly want Gale and Catniss to be lovers, and we want Catniss to win,  and we don't want to think Primrose will ever die, and we want Peeta to be bad so she jabs him, and we want everyone to be aweful and Catniss and Gale to end up together..and i pretty much said that twice cuz thats what I'm thinking...however.. i hear there's a twist.... I suppose I"ll continue to be conflicted as well as enjoy the ride..

Here's to the 2nd half.... of the Hunger Games

*Ps...i'm already upset that her sparkly dress is not in the movie..or maybe it is but the movie is showing her with a one sleeve red dress that looks like something from the 80/90's...eww....I think i'll be better off writing about the costume design and interpretation...now enjoy posting strange things about things I don't understand:)

Yep...i failed..

so as optimistic as  I was in the beginning of the year, blame the cold, blame the fact I've been traveling for the past month..but I've failed to keep this up... I'm not going to stop though.  I am going to keep writing, even if it isn't an every day thing.  I'm still going to try.. for now, an apology. to myself, for complaining so much to not doing the things I need to do.  Ie taxes, and paying bills, and scared to even get on the computer, for fear I'm going to realize I forgot to pay something...yeesh! growing up.

anyhow...talk to you soon...about the HUnger Games

Over it...

Yes, as always, the year progresses, and I become less and less motivated.  My mind gets tired, I get cranky, and all I want to do, is eat and watch tv.  I ignore my bills and barely pay them on time, I have the urge to frivolously spend money that I don't have, which then leads me to a sad depression of "whoa is me, how did I get there" and I know how I got there... here.  I just stopped being motivated!

I thought by running this half marathon, I'd reset my mind.  I thought maybe the high of commitment would help me move forward, onward! But alas. I sit here typing, knowing that every time I thought about writing a post, the " i don't wanna's" would be pushing against my skull, "forcing" me to ..not do anything at all. 

The last few days I've had a few great ideas about raising money for the marathon, ie the boat I am about to set sail on (The Rockboat) I'm sure people would donate $1.  And if they did, that would be over $1000 for the Children's research Hospital! How bad ass would that be!! but I've been having a case of the "monkus" and haven't done anything about it.. To be honest after writing this though, it is exactly what I'm going to do... write an email asking if I can solicit ;) muhahah!

Anyhow...back to me not doing anything. So, as of now.  Im just in a funk.  I spent too much money last night, however had a blast, and I keep waking up going "why...I didn't need that last beer or that last cocktail. that was $20" I just like to live in the moment!! In living in the moment I"m losing my moneys! spend spend spend! Sad Sad Sad... binge binge binge!

So how do I solve this... do what I least likely wanna do..set a budget.  I did it for a week and it worked.  I saved so much money! But..I did feel like I lost some friends.  Its a difficult gamble, but I'm willing to sacrifice this go around if it means paying off my debts and going forward with things that are going to better my life rather than drag it down....

I leave you with a clip from Portlandia:) the most expensive ticket I've purchased just based off of nostalgia of this phrase "we can pickle that"

Surprise surprise

I was woken up at 7am by a text.  "gong" I thought to myself, who would be texting me this early in the morning?! I slowly rolled over and grabbed my phone.  Grabbing my phone took too much energy out of me, so I laid it on my chest. "bzzzz..." the reminder on my phone vibrated against my vocal chords.

I opened my eyes a crack, and then like Japanime I was awake.  It was a text from Mr. Materialistic/ Mr. Fools Gold.   I was surprised.  I was even more surprised by his text!! "come to la.  write with my best friends. they want you so bad for session work"  My heart leaped, its still leaping.  so...he was talking about me:) hehehe. oh us girls are so silly.  He went on about how he wanted me to make moves, so i can make moneys, and I responded yes, so we can travel the world, and then he said he loved me, and said i loved him too..giddy giddy giddy xoxo hearts stars and...STOP! hold up...whats happening here.

I was flattered.  I am flattered, but all this flattery leaves me all hot and bothered.  I'm finally hanging out with a guy who communicates the best out of anyone, he cooks, he's clean, he's motivated, and I think kind of likes me..pretty sure he does, and then 'KABOOM' well...hellooooo.

Its interesting, they say when you are not looking is when things come your way.  Its always true. But I believe that's because you find it in the growing process of becoming stronger, being comfortable in your own skin.  Than once you are comfortable and things begin to move you have to become vulnerable yet again, and allow people to assist you and continue to build you up.  One big flipping roller coaster.  And now I'm on a roller coaster that is starting to have detours.

As much as I like Mr. Materialistic, Im really interested to see where Mississippi Mushu will lead.  In all honesty I'm thinking Mushu is going to end up being a dear friend.  Mr. Materialistic (remember..he's really not.just picky) He is kind of tugging at my heart strings a little more.  In a strange way I'm starting to understand the choice The Bachelor has to make..but he makes some pretty dumb ones.

all in all, it was a great surprise and definitely motivated my day.  I'm flattered.  I've never experienced this before and its honestly kind of nice:) Having 2 guys care for you, be cautious, and curious about what you're thinking...hmm..if they only knew what I'm thinking.. than they'd be in for the surprise:)

Look at you....

So an interesting turn of events has happened the last 48 hours.  Remember that whole, "man fast" thing..well I lasted 4 months.

I am a fairly social person.  I love people.  I love music. And this recipe has somehow allowed me to be able to become friends with very influential people mostly in the entertainment business.  I was invited to an elite club for a secret music show.  By elite, I mean people with an extraordinary amount of money, as well as those, similar to myself, are not "Super Fans" but can basically keep themselves composed in said Elite atmospheres.

Upon arrival, I socialized with many friends who I hadn't seen in awhile because of them being on tour, or me being out of town.  I promised myself to be in bed by 12/1230, and no drinks!! And do we think that happened, of course not.  When you're gabbing with old friends getting the scoop on whats new, of course some how everyone grabs a drink and enjoys the oral fixation of a tiny straw or bottle neck in their mouth. 

I was floating around the club, when a friend of mine came to me at the bar.  " Do you know the twins? They have a table around the corner with bottle service so come over when you have a second"  Bottle Service? oh no.... my no drink, 2 drink minimum, just became "who cares! lets party it up!"

I finished my conversation at the bar, but not before taking a whiskey shot, and began my venture to the other side of the room.  I continued to stop and say hello to friends and meet new colleagues, and as I finally came to the table where my "posse" was enjoying "bottle service" I saw neither twins nor bottle service.  A true sigh of relief came over me. And then I met Mr. Paisley as we'll call him...and behind him, the twins.

I cornered my gal pals, and the band began to play.  The were actually really good.  A mix of Shiny Toy Guns, with their own LA esque flavor.  We were dancing up a storm, and Mr. Paisley was holding a Voss Glass Water bottle, getting "groovy" He seemed like a sweet guy, so in between songs, I introduced myself.  As we were meeting this short blonde haired guy with an old 20's style mustache, wiggled and squirmed a dance, that was almost like watching some type of Zen, Tae bo, dance with a twist of rave pop.  It was hilarious. 

I looked next to Mr. Mustache, and was shocked to see someone in what I would call West Coast ware.  Graphic tee with a button down on top, shaved head, and sweet blue eyes with little crows feet at the corner from being out in the sun too much...hopefully from surfing.  It was like looking into the eyes of an old friend, and I had to ask him, "you visiting from CA?"

"Just moved here 5 days ago actually.  Originally from Mississippi"
"you in the music business than I assume?"
"yeah, my brother and I do a lot of different things actually.  We write for large broadcast companies, NBC, MTV, etc.  We also flip houses, & have a beer we're about to start marketing.  Girl, look at you!"

The repetitive "look at you" became both of the twins phrase.  And as they continued to talk, I found out they could do just about anything.  Cook, clean, fix, invent, and In my head I kept thinking, what are they the twin MacGyvers?

"Anything you want girl, when the waitress comes by, you order anything you want"

I looked over at my girlfriends...bottoms up chicadees!

We continued drinking, and it wasn't till my girlfriends left and most people had left the bar that I recognized the time.  1:45 am.  I looked over at "Mississippi Mushu" (reason being Mushu was a dragon, and I have coined the term ' I slayed a dragon '... I know.. clever) Mr. Mustache, and Mr. Paisley had left 'MM' and so, I had to take him home.

Upon arrival to his house, were some other friends and it wasn't til I arrived at his house, I realized how much I really did have to drink.  The night was winding down, and I let him know, I really did need to sleep.  He understood and gave me some PJ's and it was off to bed.

..ummm....yeah we didn't just go to bed.  Cut to after, it was great.  It was really great, but I kept thinking..oh no, i've opened the door to being used again, and omg...I just met this person.  It was my first one night stand with someone I had just met.  what was I thinking!!! I left the next morning, getting those darn Shotgun Memories, twitching when I'd remember something. 

The next night he met me at a bar, and we went home together, and nothing happened.  I had to let him know, that I wasn't going to be a Fuck Buddy.  I needed to recognize, as well as did he, that I was someone to be respected  I couldn't just sleep with anyone.  I'm trying to regain the "sanctity" Of sex, but its not easy. 

I have a feeling these Twins are going to be a consistent topic. Luck for me they seem to be great legit guys.  I guess we'll find out.