Yep! knew it! called it! not good at this!! Haven't written since when? yeesh! oh well, no one is really listening any way right.
I'm depressed...depressed? upset. angry? all of the above. surprised
Its been awhile since I've "been with anyone" and I had a few fun surprises earlier this week. Problem with both... they still have feelings for other people. I wasn't aware of course until after we ... well, you know. Why is that? ok, i know why. Selfishness. get what you want than apologize later;/ what I didn't realize is...I think i'm actually ready for a relationship, at least with one of them (wow i sound like a floozy). All this time I could handle being in a "fun/good time relationship" , but truly, I wasn't. All the step back laughs of "having a good time" seem pointless to me now. I want something long lasting.
My heart seems to be going through a vice of "shot gun memories" ecstasy to sorrow. Today I feel like I was broken up with. My day of "work out, work on EP stats, clean room" has become "lay in bed, watch tv, eat, nap, call him" and when I called i froze up.
I used to be the one on top, controlling our friendship, and now that we've been intimate, all i can think about is the safety i felt when I was laying in his arms. how he kissed my neck and asked if I was ok. how all night he wouldn't let me go. I want that, but.... its not in my cards. I seem to find the boys attracted to me, ready to pursue me for what they want. a night of comfort. But in that night of comfort, they miss the comfort of another's arms. And I am left to shut off my heart, my emotions, and move on
Its bothering me to say this. It hurts to admit, but when i met this person years ago, I had feelings. I put them aside for someone else. As the years of our friendship progressed and I met his girlfriends, I would get jealous. was it because I wanted to be with him? was it because he wasn't pursuing me anymore, and all the things that bother me about him, are they really worth all this wondering if our paths will cross again. Will this work out? Could it? Does he even wonder, or did I get what I asked for years ago. Distance, unemotional intamcy.
do i miss him? or do I miss the idea. I think a bit of both. Gotta get up and out of these thoughts. too much to do. Too much to go forward with. Strange to have these feelings after so long being dead to them. how did I let my heart get here. when did that happen?! So frustrating!!!
